Hi

To cut a long story short, after a year of battling with school and CAMHS, I have finally found a psychiatrist that understands my son's anxieties and ASD.



He understands that someone who is already anxious about school is going to be even more anxious if they haven't been there for nearly a year. He understands that a reduced timetable working up to a full day within 4 weeks regardless of whether it is manageable or agreed by my son is not going to work. He understands that any time spent in a class where he has no idea of what is going on in the lesson is going to be stressful. He understands that my son's safe behaviour of leaving school and going home when he can't cope is not behavioural and rude or disrespectful to school but fight or flight and he is choosing flight. Surely fight would be worse?



So he has signed my son off as medically unfit for school while we work on his meds and his anxieties. For the first time in about a year, this morning my son was up at 8am. Because he knew he didn't have to fight me or pretend to be ill today. I know its baby steps but a weight has been lifted off both of our shoulders.



For me someone has eventually validated my reasonings and feelings about how my son should be treated and for him, someone other than me has said its ok.



Until now, everyone who has been involved has wanted to make my son conform to a programme of re-integration or therapy or desensitization or punishment without consulting him and finding out what actually the problem is and how it can be solved. I get that his ASD has made communication with him difficult and that it looks from the outside like he is being arrogant and rude but everyone has judged this child according to their own standards and everyone has judged me because I haven't been able to get him to conform.



He's a great kid, quirky, funny, friendly, empathetic and caring. School is just not the right place for him a at the moment, He has been through a massive amount over the last couple of years, some horrendous bullying, a family breakdown, a broken arm which required a week's stay in hospital twice. On top of this he has school phobia and ASD.



I am a qualified professional in my field with Intelligence and integrity but to them I am just a crap parent who can't cope with their child. This is not the case. I understand the value of education, I work in education, I get that if a child doesn't attain along with their peers they are less likely to go back to school and attain at the same level. I would like nothing more than to have my child trot off to school every morning without question.



But this isn't how it is for my boy and I've had to come to terms with that. Now we are working on the next stage, building confidence, self worth, life skills and trying to re align my ambitions for him. He is an intelligent boy, it is a waste that he isn't using his intelligence and getting A grades at school. But its more or a waste if he is pushed to breaking point and doesn't make it through his teens. And at one point this was a very real possibility.



As my sister always says "it will be fine in the end and if it isn't fine yet, its because you haven't got to the end"



I know this is a ramble and Im not sure what Im asking for in posting this, just for someone to hear me. And for anyone else who is reading this to realise that they are not alone. If they are reading it, it is because they are a good parent who wants the best for their child and it will be ok.



Sam x

Sam, your post really touched me. You said so much of how I have felt and believed. Your psychiatrist is certainly someone and I wish for all our sakes there were more like him.

Interestingly, our psychiatrist, although not as direct or positive as yours, was the only professional who told me I was a good mum and made my son feel ok. Sadly we couldn't afford the cost of many visits. This came as a relief after a string of psychologists who insisted I force my son to school (even in his pyjamas!)...claimed I was too soft....should punish my son by locking him in the bsthroom(!)....had parenting issues relating to my childhood relationship with my father (what on earth was that about!!?)....and I was an 'enmeshed' parent (a psychology term for basically being totslly dependent on my son's emotions or something along those lines, which causes all kinds of awful long term effects!!).

I was also an educational professional and so was furious at how easy it was for others to assume I was some kind of demented parent (being a sole parent didn't help the image). No school refusal parent should ever have to go through this but as you can see by the posts on this forum, it just keeps on happening over and over.

Thank you Sam for expressing it all so clearly and reminding us all of what is important here...our child's mental health. Your sister also has very wise words.

Sam... If you can re-find your lovely son, and it sounds like you have already, then you are doing a brilliant job and that is what matters. Education will find its way back into your son's life in some form but what you can now teach him about his self worth will be worth more than any year of schooling.
If you have any more insight for things that can help others, we'd love you to share.
All the best 😊
Linda

Thank you for your kind words Linda. To update, my son has been up and out of bed at 8am this morning. Making plans for his day. Now that the anxiety of having to go to school isn't there. We will be starting some new meds this week, as i feel he still needs some help with feeling better about himself. I have been in touch with school and they are also being more supportive now. They will be referring him to have medical access to education home schooling and will be supporting me with re applying for an EHCP on the grounds of health.



On the down side, he has discovered that he likes to smoke. In some respects dealing with a typical teenager problem is refreshing after all the other stuff.



I will keep you updated as I do agree that even if other people don't post, then just reading may help someone to feel less alone.



Sam

Hi Sam

I can see the smoking is one more battle you don't want to have right now!

I think there are a number of people who are reading the posts on the forum but don't always feel they want to say something - so I am sure many will read your post and feel reassured.

So glad you can have some relief from all the previous tension.
Let us know how things go - and how it all goes getting the home support and tutors etc.
Take care
Linda

Hi there,
I didn't want to read & run,and i just wanted to say it sounds like you are doing an amazing job at being a parent.

At the moment my 12 year old son is refusing to go to school,they have now put me on fast track which you may already know is where if i don't get his attendance up,i could face court.
I have taken my son to the gp,where she has referred him..stupidly I didn't ask who too,was busy worrying i had forgotten to mention something after an already stressful day.
I don't really feel like people are listening to me,and if this is how my son feels no wonder he anxious!! I do try to talk and listen to him,but with all the pressure on me from people to get him to school,I find myself just getting so stressed out with it all,i just feel like giving up.I know I can't,i have to try help him,be his voice but i feel like I've failed him and that gets me down loads.
Sorry,i'm rambling on now.
I'm pleased to hear you have finally found someone who understands you're son.Must feel a relief that you are getting somewhere.
The school have put my son on a part time timetable for 3 weeks and he started doing 2 lessons,now on 3 this week,(didn't go Monday or get there on time yesterday) but gone today..as he feels pressured by the school and his dad.I know in the long run though after half term,he won't be doing full days,it's not going to work!! But nobodys listening to me,just the same pressure with getting him there.

Your post has gave me hope & reassurance,thank you.

Hi Kelly

I know what you mean about the pressure. I think Sam has reminded us of how we should be treated.
Try not to let it get you down. Remember you are not alone and you are actually the expert on this, the others who are telling you and your son what to do really don't know what it is like.
Try to make sure you do some things just for yourself...take up a hobby, do exercise, meet friends for coffee, as this school refusal road, as you know can make us get swallowed up inside it all and loose ourselves.

Have a read of some of fhe earlier posts on here and see if there are any steps you can take to try reduce fhe stress. I think I have mentioned a few times how I was on anti depressants for years to help me cope.
All small steps your son takes are all good and what he is doing now is good. It may not last but something else will turn up. Education via school is not everything. I know you have probably run out of energy, but if possible see if there are alternatives, assessment for your son and then tutoring, or check out Parent Partnership in your local area or Red Balloon.
Hang in there....and give your son some big hugs for doing what he is managing at the moment.
Take care and come on here any time, everyone understands what you are going through.
Linda

Kelly,

Are you keeping a diary? Do you take a notebook with you when you go to appointments?

I ask this because there comes a point where everything becomes a blur and it is difficult to recall who said what to whom and when. When we are under stress - and who isn't in these circumstances? - it is important to be able to appear to be in control and on top of things.

The threat of court sits over us, but it seldom comes to that if we can demonstrateshow that we have done the best possible for our children. But if it did come to that, then you will need your records.

For us, the school worked hard to stop things escalating, but I sometimes wonder if we should have allowed that because then the 'authorities' would have had to demonstrate what they had done for our daughter. 'Not a lot' might have been the answer!

Keeping a record might seem like one more thing on top of an already hectic life, but it also has the advantage of recording the road back from the darkest moments, because there is a road back.

Yours aye,

Simon

Hi everyone,
Hope you are all well.
Thank you Linda,that's a very good point,i do need to think about myself and do something for me.
A trip to the docs might be an idea too.i've lost 4 stone in a little over 6 months and I feel i have no appetite.
I'm putting it down to stress but I'm not sure that's what it is.If I'm honest with myself I haven't been eating that well for a while so think that's why.My mood does feel low a lot of the time too,a little something might help just lift me up.Very easy to forget about yourself hey!!

Hi Simon,
Thank you for you're reply.
Great advice on writing everything down.
I got a letter last week saying i'm on fast track so need a meeting at the school,with attendance and my son as his attendance is very unsatisfactory.It says if it doesn't improve then I could face a fine in court upto £2,500 and/or up to 3 months in prison!!
In need to go back and try remember as much as I can,write it down,incase things get brought up in this meeting.You are spot on when you say about things becoming a blur,and when asked on the spot,can put the pressure on to find the answer that you can't remember!!
I think you're idea is great and I will definitely be doing this.Thank you again.

Kelly.

Hi Kelly

I think stress either makes you loose or put on weight! But do look after yourself and even ask the doctor for some advice.
We end up getting so concerned about our kids that we forget ourselves but we are the ones that have to remain strong for the journey.

Stay strong for the meeting - and with all the notes written down, as Simon wisely suggests, you will have some reference but also you can at any stage during the meeting refer and read out some of your observations and actions to assist your son. And remember, as Simon says, it rarely goes to court. And you can always throw back at them the case that got thrown out of court by the judge a few years ago in the UK, and the school asked to pay costs as it was a clear school refusal - i.e. mental health case - and not truancy.

Let us know how you go. I had many meetings over the years the best and only one that worked in my favour was when I dressed up - took a folder under my arm and walked in and asked what they were going to do for my son. They were quite taken aback. Previously I had been made to feel like a bad mother, I felt so small and helpless and they just threw the blame at me. I think our appearance when we walk into the meeting can change the direction the meeting takes. So not matter how bad you feel on the inside - look like you know what you are doing and you need them to deliver - as in - what are they going to provide for you son whilst his mental health is this way. And don't be afraid to stress ' mental health'. It is not a behaviour issue.
All the best and take care
Linda

You took the words from my keyboard, Linda!

Can you recall the details of that court case? It might be good for me to reference it as a resource, or something.

S

This brings back into focus the need for alternatives to learning in school.

The argument for taking children out of school for holidays is that they learn by experience. But what experience are they gaining when staying at home?

Some councils do have special facilities (my daughter attended one) and some do provide tutoring services, if they have a budget. But what can we do for our young learners at home?

Hi Simon,
The case was in November 2009 and school was forced to apologise. It was big news as you will remember and here is one reference that would be great to have in our resource section (didn't we used to have a link?)
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/education/8365960.stm

I think given this information, all schools will hesitate to prosecute.
And that father recently even won his case in thr UK not to be fined for taking his daughter to Disney Land, so courts do not look favourably on this kind of prosecution regarding absence in any form, but especially not if mental or physical health is at the heart of the issue.

And good point about what they do at home. And why arn't all councils providing tutoring? And why arn't schools sending work home. This is why I encourage all parents to do things at home with their kids that doesn't necessarily involve school work, as then they are still learning life skills such as practical things, or cooking or gardening or something other than stuck on technology.
I wish I had done more of that with my son, but I kept thinking the absences would be temporary! As we do. But acceptance of long term solutions of what they do whilst at home is something we do need to get our heads around.

Linda