This brings back into focus the need for alternatives to learning in school.

The argument for taking children out of school for holidays is that they learn by experience. But what experience are they gaining when staying at home?

Some councils do have special facilities (my daughter attended one) and some do provide tutoring services, if they have a budget. But what can we do for our young learners at home?

Hi there,
I didn't want to read & run,and i just wanted to say it sounds like you are doing an amazing job at being a parent.

At the moment my 12 year old son is refusing to go to school,they have now put me on fast track which you may already know is where if i don't get his attendance up,i could face court.
I have taken my son to the gp,where she has referred him..stupidly I didn't ask who too,was busy worrying i had forgotten to mention something after an already stressful day.
I don't really feel like people are listening to me,and if this is how my son feels no wonder he anxious!! I do try to talk and listen to him,but with all the pressure on me from people to get him to school,I find myself just getting so stressed out with it all,i just feel like giving up.I know I can't,i have to try help him,be his voice but i feel like I've failed him and that gets me down loads.
Sorry,i'm rambling on now.
I'm pleased to hear you have finally found someone who understands you're son.Must feel a relief that you are getting somewhere.
The school have put my son on a part time timetable for 3 weeks and he started doing 2 lessons,now on 3 this week,(didn't go Monday or get there on time yesterday) but gone today..as he feels pressured by the school and his dad.I know in the long run though after half term,he won't be doing full days,it's not going to work!! But nobodys listening to me,just the same pressure with getting him there.

Your post has gave me hope & reassurance,thank you.

Hi Kelly

I know what you mean about the pressure. I think Sam has reminded us of how we should be treated.
Try not to let it get you down. Remember you are not alone and you are actually the expert on this, the others who are telling you and your son what to do really don't know what it is like.
Try to make sure you do some things just for yourself...take up a hobby, do exercise, meet friends for coffee, as this school refusal road, as you know can make us get swallowed up inside it all and loose ourselves.

Have a read of some of fhe earlier posts on here and see if there are any steps you can take to try reduce fhe stress. I think I have mentioned a few times how I was on anti depressants for years to help me cope.
All small steps your son takes are all good and what he is doing now is good. It may not last but something else will turn up. Education via school is not everything. I know you have probably run out of energy, but if possible see if there are alternatives, assessment for your son and then tutoring, or check out Parent Partnership in your local area or Red Balloon.
Hang in there....and give your son some big hugs for doing what he is managing at the moment.
Take care and come on here any time, everyone understands what you are going through.
Linda

Kelly,

Are you keeping a diary? Do you take a notebook with you when you go to appointments?

I ask this because there comes a point where everything becomes a blur and it is difficult to recall who said what to whom and when. When we are under stress - and who isn't in these circumstances? - it is important to be able to appear to be in control and on top of things.

The threat of court sits over us, but it seldom comes to that if we can demonstrateshow that we have done the best possible for our children. But if it did come to that, then you will need your records.

For us, the school worked hard to stop things escalating, but I sometimes wonder if we should have allowed that because then the 'authorities' would have had to demonstrate what they had done for our daughter. 'Not a lot' might have been the answer!

Keeping a record might seem like one more thing on top of an already hectic life, but it also has the advantage of recording the road back from the darkest moments, because there is a road back.

Yours aye,

Simon

Hi everyone,
Hope you are all well.
Thank you Linda,that's a very good point,i do need to think about myself and do something for me.
A trip to the docs might be an idea too.i've lost 4 stone in a little over 6 months and I feel i have no appetite.
I'm putting it down to stress but I'm not sure that's what it is.If I'm honest with myself I haven't been eating that well for a while so think that's why.My mood does feel low a lot of the time too,a little something might help just lift me up.Very easy to forget about yourself hey!!

Hi Simon,
Thank you for you're reply.
Great advice on writing everything down.
I got a letter last week saying i'm on fast track so need a meeting at the school,with attendance and my son as his attendance is very unsatisfactory.It says if it doesn't improve then I could face a fine in court upto £2,500 and/or up to 3 months in prison!!
In need to go back and try remember as much as I can,write it down,incase things get brought up in this meeting.You are spot on when you say about things becoming a blur,and when asked on the spot,can put the pressure on to find the answer that you can't remember!!
I think you're idea is great and I will definitely be doing this.Thank you again.

Kelly.

Hi Kelly

I think stress either makes you loose or put on weight! But do look after yourself and even ask the doctor for some advice.
We end up getting so concerned about our kids that we forget ourselves but we are the ones that have to remain strong for the journey.

Stay strong for the meeting - and with all the notes written down, as Simon wisely suggests, you will have some reference but also you can at any stage during the meeting refer and read out some of your observations and actions to assist your son. And remember, as Simon says, it rarely goes to court. And you can always throw back at them the case that got thrown out of court by the judge a few years ago in the UK, and the school asked to pay costs as it was a clear school refusal - i.e. mental health case - and not truancy.

Let us know how you go. I had many meetings over the years the best and only one that worked in my favour was when I dressed up - took a folder under my arm and walked in and asked what they were going to do for my son. They were quite taken aback. Previously I had been made to feel like a bad mother, I felt so small and helpless and they just threw the blame at me. I think our appearance when we walk into the meeting can change the direction the meeting takes. So not matter how bad you feel on the inside - look like you know what you are doing and you need them to deliver - as in - what are they going to provide for you son whilst his mental health is this way. And don't be afraid to stress ' mental health'. It is not a behaviour issue.
All the best and take care
Linda

You took the words from my keyboard, Linda!

Can you recall the details of that court case? It might be good for me to reference it as a resource, or something.

S

Hi Simon,
The case was in November 2009 and school was forced to apologise. It was big news as you will remember and here is one reference that would be great to have in our resource section (didn't we used to have a link?)
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/education/8365960.stm

I think given this information, all schools will hesitate to prosecute.
And that father recently even won his case in thr UK not to be fined for taking his daughter to Disney Land, so courts do not look favourably on this kind of prosecution regarding absence in any form, but especially not if mental or physical health is at the heart of the issue.

And good point about what they do at home. And why arn't all councils providing tutoring? And why arn't schools sending work home. This is why I encourage all parents to do things at home with their kids that doesn't necessarily involve school work, as then they are still learning life skills such as practical things, or cooking or gardening or something other than stuck on technology.
I wish I had done more of that with my son, but I kept thinking the absences would be temporary! As we do. But acceptance of long term solutions of what they do whilst at home is something we do need to get our heads around.

Linda