That's why we are here, Kelly! To give you somewhere to rant!

I cannot imagine how you feel, but I know how my wife felt when I disappeared off to work leaving her to pick up the pieces - and how I felt on the commute. How I made it in one piece, I'll never know.

Looking after the others, and yourself, is really important. I am under some pressure (not child related) so this is just a quick note to say I am thinking of you, and your son.

Simon

Hi Kelly

Thinking of you too. I know what you mean by the behaviour overlap.
We haven't had smooth sailing either. My son didn't attend classes last week and missed Monday's class this week.Yes we have taken big steps forward but not out of the wilderness yet. I have felt sick in my stomach worrying all week!!

Remember to remind the school of their responsibility in the law as you are doing all you can to get him there...and about the case that got thrown out of court. They don't have to go down this road...as not all schools do. I know you don't probably have the energy but putting it back on the school to provide work or tutors seems to be your right in the circumstances.
Hang in there....and remember that school just doesn't seem to work for some kids so you may have to seek out what else is out there in your area.
Feel free to rant any time. The forum is good like that and everyone gets what you are going through. I am sure there will be help for you somewhere along the way.
Take care
Linda

Good to know I'm not the only frustrated mum out there. It was like reading my mind .... son under bed won't come out ... didn't get him there yesterday and even the school been out and still wouldn't come out from under the bed. I feel your pain I'm beginning to feel helpless if the so called expert's can't get him in what hope do I have. Spoken to camhs they had no advice to give apart from keep trying. Had this for nearly three years and was getting better than slowly going back to where we were ... sorry rant over

Hi Hevs52

Welcome to the forum! I can feel your pain and frustration too! Hang in there...we are on a rocky road...hoping yu can get some support soon. Can you afford a private psychologist? Try medication or/and cognitive behaviour therapy? .it has helped us despite no miracle cure.
Linda

Morning all,
Got my meeting today with the school and someone from the education authority.I feel drained and nervous with worry as they going to be telling me the next steps they are going to take.I think whatever they put in place he's not going to stick too.Hes got to attend,I'm not sure i'm even going to be able to get him to come along.
I'm not the best talking to people,especially in front of people in authority.Like i keep telling them,i feel I might have a son with some sort of mental health illness,in my opinion maybe the doc should of signed him off,even parent partnership said it sounds like he should be signed off while waiting for referrals etc.. but doc didn't seem interested,and we all know how long these things can take.Getting ready for another struggl today.
Hoping you all have good days with you and your children.Thank you all for your replies and support.

Kelly.

Good luck Kelly. Have you had the meeting yet?
Don't worry - we all find it difficult to talk in front of authority in those kind of meetings which is why dressing up and having a folder with notes can help us. I used to be a teacher but I still felt about an inch high in some of those meetings about my son!! It means they are not getting the big picture. My son never attended any meetings - it didn't matter in the end.
Hang in there -
Can you try another doctor?
Linda

Afternoon all,
Well the meeting wasn't that great,we have an action plan in place that he has to do for 6 weeks without fail.They will then close the case.If not i will be presented with court dates!! I kinda felt a little like they were saying my sons just naughty.They told me i had to be firmer and harsher with him and that I need to think about changing Eva to afternoon sessions at nursery so I can concentrate on my son more in the mornings!! She's made friends and i will feel like I'm punishing her coz of all this.I felt a bit intimidated if I'm honest as I'm not good at speaking anyway.I don't know what I'm going to do if I'm honest :(

Hi Kelly

Write everything down aa Simon suggested.
What does the action plan involve? Take some deep breaths before sitting down with your son and asking if he might work with you on it. It is not his fault the school are threatening court. He might not care...they kind if get beyond caring about what it means for others as fhey can't do anything about that anyway...so din't worry about his reaction.

Maybe write a letter...give the plan a try for two weeks before sending...and get a friend to help if you don't feel confident with writing. In the letter to the school head...not just coordinators ( was the head at the meeting?) explain that the action plan has been put forward and thank the teachers for their efforts...but your son has a mental health issue that results in school refusal. Point out that he is not just being naughty.
If fhe head was at the meeting, explain thaf you felt you didn't have a chance to get your points across.

Point out also that the school has not taken steps to ensure they find out what the underlying problem is (eg anxiety, depression ) nor referred you to support services/organisations. And point out that the school should be classifying this as a health issue (see previous posts about how school refusal comes under this in education policy in UK). And until they do so, and recognise this for what it is, then your son will struggle to meet any kind of action plan. State clearly that this is not truancy and that from your observations you are very concerned about your son's mental health and so the last thing that is going to help anyone is a court case and it will also show to the court that the school has not recognised the situation for what it is and have jumped to the conclusion that being stricter is the answer when it is clearly not.
Explain you fully support all efforts to get your son to school as you believe very highly in the importance of education. But no amount of effort will change things until it is recognised for what it is.

Possibly Print something off the internet that sums up school refusal the best...I'll see if I can locafe a link for you.
And print out the link we gave for the case fhat was thrown out by the judge, and send it all off to the head of the school.

And I know you know this but do remain courteous (despite how we all long to really let fly!!) and thaf you give recognition to the effort put in by the teachers. In the early days of my sons problems , I did send a couple of emails thatwere critical and did me no good! Mostly, I failed to recognise the effort teachers had put in, and that made them annoyed..and so then they got angry back.
So praise, despite the last thing you feel...is the best way to keep them on side.

And no more than a page. And make it a letter, not an email.
This is not to give the history but to bring the recent meeting up and why the action plan may not work (do state that you have given it a 100% try). Do not put anything in the letter that can then be used against you.
See how it goes. Might be worth a try....
It also shows in writing, further down the track, that you are taking action and not just sitting back and accepting that your son isn't going to school.

Meanwhile.. if you can perhaos find another doctor for your son for a second opinion.
As for changing your daughter's time. It depends on you and your health and what will help you..But maybe your daughter just being late is acceptable at this stage?
Take care...the court case threats don't seem to get that far.
Let us know how things are. I have thrown lots if ideas round but only you know the situation, so go with your gut feeling.
You are a good mum and doing all you can in very trying circumstances.
Linda

Hi again Kelly

I just re read all your posts again and I don't see any mention of CAMHS? Has your son been assessed? Has the school made a referral for you? If they haven't then they don't have a leg to stand on in taking you to court. Or are you on a waiting list?
They school has to take certain steps and in your case it sounds to me like they have jumped ahead rather too fast.
If you can make enquiries or demand they set up an appointment? Or if writing that letter, put it in the letter about cahms.

Your son will do anything not to go to school, and sadly for you at the moment, this does mean aggression. This is typical, so don't feel alone on that one. I think seeing your son is or has been a quiet boy, this is the only way he knows how to let his pain out. And it is pain.
Once we get caught up in the anger it causes us, then it just goes round in circles. Your son needs lots of understanding, hugs, if he will let you, and then he might br calmer and also realise you are trying to help. Any mention of school will probsbly set him off again, so focus on helping him feel better. And a different doctor does sound in order.
As the psychiatrist explained it to my son, it is the fight or flight mode in over drive and my son was also using both. Once you both can accept it as a mental health issue...things do get calmer. No kid wants to be like this, and so they feel very isoloated and misunderstood. Your son does need help and the school has not provided it.

Sorry I have rambled on again but hope perhaps a cahms appointment might keep any court threat at bay.
Let us know.
Linda

Good morning Linda,
Thank you so,so much for taking the time to read and reply to my posts.
No the head wasn't there,just his head of year,attendance officer at his school & the lady from the local authorities.The action plan is that for the next 2-3 weeks he goes in for periods 1,2 & 3 then home.They told him rooms he can go in at break time if he feels like his needs some quiet time.They will then review in 6 weeks to see if he's improved.Not sure I've spelt this right but they have Orminston families on board who have a link to the school and the lady there referred us to the children's mental health center and the GP as I said before didn't actually tell me where we were being referred too,and with my head in the clouds I forgot to stupidly ask.So yes we waiting at the moment to hear.
I've heard these things can take a while and I haven't time on my side at the moment.I didn't know about signing a child off..it was parent partnership that told me that.But the GP never did and according to that lady in the meeting,Cahms would be very reluctant to sign a child off anyway..and apparently he can't be unfit for school as he managed 2 good weeks before the broke up for the holidays!!
She also went on to say about a possible Education order being put on my son although at the moment she wants to see if this has improved by the next meeting.
She also mentioned about social care and health? I didn't really understand this,but does she mean social services? What was she saying? I didn't want to go into that too much in front of my son so I didn't ask.
I wish I was braver and stronger with things like this..I feel sometimes I don't get my point across very well and that isn't going to help things.Sorry to ramble so much.