My daughter has been refusing school for nearly 3.5 years now. It started in year 7,when my daughter was intimidated by another student, along with being in a new surrounding with older students around. My daughters personality changed rapidly and then followed self harm, after a year of tears and frustration i moved schools which in hindsight was a mistake, her behavior escalated into anger, rage and suicidal tendencies along with destroying many vases, windscreens, furniture etc.



At school she was initially treated as a naughty child but later was offered more support around her after being given a social worker attached to CAMHS, i received help from a local HUB which really helped me manage my daughter and understand the issues - it also gave me a voice to vent, as opposed to CAMHS who freeze you out and place more guilt on your shoulders, making assumptions which are not correct . Year 8 passed, self harm slowed, our relationship was stretched, but slowly repairing.



I returned my daughter to the original school in year 9, I even moved house to be nearer the building, very good pastoral support but I could not get her to attend unless she was in the pastoral office for the day where she felt safe. I have found CAMHS very, very disappointing, despite 2 years non attendance, 2 overdoses (now 3) they felt it was not a mental health issue and therefore could not support her apart from booking her on a self esteem building course.



Year 10 offered a new building - with stronger rules, my daughter did not adapt well, choosing to block her whole life out by sleeping all the time rather than facing life. The school have never offered any school work and say that as she is a school refuser they are not duty bound to do this, I looked at Red Balloon for alternative schooling, the school refused this outright saying there are no resources or funds available for this. Why are schools not providing alternative education or homework for refusers??? Sadly the HUB support dwindled with closures and redundancies - just when we need it. My daughter constantly said there is no point living and sadly took another overdose (no 3) yet still CAMHS saying not a mental health issue.....



With our relationship strong, my daughter over the last week or so is desperately trying to attend school, the main problem historically being her sleep pattern which was often sleeping until 2pm and then up a night. The days where she did attend school, often the night before she would be awake all night preparing as she was so scared she would not wake up in time, at the end of the following day she would crash and burn out as sleep deprived, and it would start again.



The good bit.....So this week, with my support and support from her lovely long term boyfriend she has attended 4.5 days, only 1 call from the school, 8 or 9 from my daughter panicking but she is finally showing real strength in wanting to go and keenness with homework . Amazingly she has slept through the night this week, and the morning she could not get motivated she was in school by lunchtime! By forcing herself not to sleep until bedtime is FINALLY starting to work.



I cannot tell you how stressful the last 3.5 years have been, many of your will know, I am a single parent with little support, I work full time and self support my daughter.....



This is what the whole experience has taught me:



Pick your battles, do not argue to win

Listen more, talk less

Vases and mirrors can be replaced - your child cant be !

Accept that this is not your fault and loose the guilt

Look after your own mental health first so you are strong enough to support your child

Realise that all your child needs is YOUR total support and no judgement

Understand that only your child can make a change (with your help) when they feel ready or strong enough to do so.



I feel I have spent the last 3-4 years listening to CAMHS, Drs, Social Workers Hub Workers, Teachers, Heads, Pastoral Supports, Welfare doing everything that is asked of me yet still no one is fighting for my daughter!



The schools total lack of support leaves me cold. We are by no means resolved but I will take the wins and celebrate them when I can. I now have HUB back on my side, and also newly formed locality support will be involved so hopefully they can be on my side to push the school into changing the way they currently deal with school refusers. It will be interesting to see what the school say today - I will keep you posted!

Hi Karen,
I haven't much to add to you're post but didn't want to read and run.I'm very new to school refusal and not sure at the moment what i'm dealing with as far as my sons concerned.This has all started for us,after the first term in year 7.
You sound like you are doing an amazing job with your daughter,i can't begin to imagine how hard it's been for the both of you.Sounds like you and her boyfriend have been her rock.
What's with these schools? I know some are better than others but i feel they all need educating more on school refusers.Because they don't seem to know a lot do they!!
We know our children better than anyone,so they need to listen to us more.
Linda on this forum is just an amazing lady,full of advice and always on board to listen,as are many of the other lovely users on here.I've felt very supported from people on here,and totally understand where u are coming from.
Keep us posted please,

Kelly.