school refusers


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Please feel free to join our School Refuser message forum discussions. If you have experience of school refusing, you may find it appropriate to respond to previous posts.  Or you may be feeling isolated and wish to express your feelings.  Whatever, your contribtions are welocme. 

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School Refusal
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Re: Spiralling down again

Hi Tracy

I do hope your son goes ok with the exam coming up. And starts to find his way forward into his 'new' world. I think the safety of home makes it hard for them to take steps out into the real world. My son is in a similar position.
Do you think it was the time for him to come off the medication or do you think it might have helped the transition to what he does next? Sometimes people come off their medication because they are feeling better but forget that they are feeling better because of the medication. Its a tough one really.
And the great thing is that yiur son has been doing some subjecfs and is connecting with the tutors. And also an infrequent friend is better than no friends. It is so hard for them without their peers to be there when they do new things,isn't it. If they had a few friends, I think those steps would be easier. Vicious circle really. Let us know how your son goes.

My son still hasn't taken steps to think about a job. So I have asked him to try guitar lessons first. He is hanging back on that one too. He says he just doesn't feel like doing anything. I know we are both exhausted but I know I can't just let him do nothing for much longer or he won't be able to take steps to get out again. But how do I get him to make some decisons? He seems caught up in wanting to control things himself, but unable to make decisons or take steps. So then I have to start pushing and wonder if I need to actually choose the music school and the teacher and he just choose what day and time. His avoidance behaviour is very strong. His dad sees all doom and gloom and predicts he won't do anything with his life!! He is pushing him all the time to commit to doing his final year of schooling at a particular school next year and do it full time. I suspect this is just making my son avoid everything even more as from his perspective he is not ready and the thought of doing that next year makes him feel ill. I am not mentioning school as I think my son needs a complete break.
I just wish his dad was supportive of what I try to do instead of believing he is the only one who knows what is best. It creates tension that I could do without!

Take care Tracy, you are doing all you can and sounds like your son is really trying. Let us know how he progresses. I see many similaritie with my own son...lets hope they gain some courage to face these new steps in their lives.
All the best to everyone else too....you are all doing a good job in very trying circumstances. Hang in there!!
Linda xx

Re: Spiralling down again

Hi everyone,

My son isn't getting better and now refuses to have any counselling and is in denial and avoidance mode. At 17 and not going to school or working....then motivation to do anything has evaporated. He often stays in bed all day, only getting up in time for dinner. He tells me to 'stop going on about it' when I talk about his health, either physical or mental. He is worse now that our cold weather has started down here (does anyone else notice their kids are worse in winter?)

He refused to write or help write a resume and cover letter for any part time jobs. I suspect this is becuase he just doesn't want a job because he feels so bad. So I wrote it and managed to get him, with much trauma, to drop it in to a supermarket for after hours packing. But we have heard nothing. We have had doctor's appointments but when the time comes he refuses to then attend.
His father keeps going on about how he should go to a college next year to do his final year of schooling and whilst it would be good, my son is in no place to face any kind of schooling at the moment.
So our road hasn't turned a corner yet and after all these years I have to admit that hope seems even further away. What do we do if our son/daughter won't seek or accept help? I am as usual just trying to wait patiently and keep trying to talk things through with him. Any other ideas much appreciated....hope you are all hanging in there.
Linda

Re: Spiralling down again

Sorry to take so long to respond. It has not been all sweetness and light here either!

We seem to get over one hurdle, and then another is just ahead. We are just starting the new school year (it is a Scottish thing to do that at this time of the year)with all the incumbent anxieties.

Your son has reached a point where the support that you give him is going to be different from the support you had to provide in the past. I think you both have to work out how that is going to work. It is important that you have time for you, and not spend your time rushing about sorting him out.

Here in Scotland, our children are no longer our children when they reach 16, so in our case we cannot discuss our daughter with the doctor and only have limited influence in the school. The inference is that the child - sorry, young person - now has responsibility for themselves.

But of course, we still need to be there for them.

No 1 daughter, whose is responsible for this sites existence, is home so she can vote in tomorrow's election (and pick up the car!), but also to get help with a job application. There was a time when we thought that this just would not happen. I think the key challenge that she set for herself came when I suggested that she would not be able to live independently, and she was determined that she would. And applying for jobs is part of that.

Of course, I do not know your son, but I would say, on balance, yes, he should go for that final college year. But if not, he needs to know he has to start making his own way. Some how, he has to be in a position where he can make that decision himself.

Am I being hard? But I am thinking that it is time you had your life too.

Re: Spiralling down again

Thank you Simon - that does make an awful lot of sense. I think I am at the crossroads of 'he has to sort it' and 'I'm his parent and have to sort it'. But if hoping that final year of schooling does happen - then I feel I need to keep trying to keep him on track. But I am worn out. It's been too long. I will endeavour to get something back of my own life and by doing this it might well help him anyway. The magnifying glass has been aimed at him too long and he just squirms out of sight to avoid that same old 'talk'.

And with all the world the way it is right now - our kids are all struggling to feel positive about the future. My son is sure there will be a nuclear war because of Nth Korea. He sees and hears too much and thinks too much. But I recall thinking the same in slightly different circumstances in the 80s...but somehow we were ok inside ourselves. Young people of today seem to suffer far too much from anxiety and depression and so world events just compound the problem.

Sounds like you have your head full of lots of comings and goings too. But your eldest has certainly come a long way from those early days - and it is that perspective we have to keep, don't we.
Will go and make myself a cuppa and have a think : )
Hope you can have some time to yourself too.
All the best at your end.
Linda xx

Re: Spiralling down again

Hi Linda,

You are a great support on here, and your words of encouragement go a long way.

I was wondering how your son is getting along now?

Take care
Xx
Julie

Re: Spiralling down again

Hi Julie

Thank you for asking : )
I do hope my words help people - it is the least I can do and try and ease each person's journey.

We are still in limbo but I can say that my son is in a much happier place than he was at the start of the year when he pulled out of school. It has taken him months to build his self esteem. I think our kids have to find their own way eventually and with the skills to learn to manage their anxiety such as CBT, Mindfulness and/or medication and other techniques, they will be able to move forward.
I think he is finally feeling more normal. My gut feeling was that this year off was going to be a year of finding who he was again and getting over 10 years of horrible school refusal. Neither of us could have done another year of that. He says he will try his final year of schooling, but if it doesn't work out - then so be it. He has tried hard to get this far and has passed each year despite such poor attendance.

I think the professionals need to deal with the anxiety and why it is happening and stop focusing on the school refusal as the issue. That is a result of the anxiety, not necessarily the cause. It can be, however, if bullying is present, or a particular incident sets them back. It also feeds into the anxiety because you have to perform, be up with your peers, be asked questions, be around loud noise, crowds...all things that people with anxiety avoid. Get rid of the anxiety...and perhaps the road would be smoother. That is why I do believe strongly in building up self esteem outside of school - just don't focus on school all the time and get professional help that deals with anxiety.
In all our dealings with professionals - it is only now that self esteem has been brought up. Not being able to get to school plummets our kids into depths that consume them and they can't find a way out. They know they are not being like other kids...they know mum and dad are frustrated or angry...they know their friends think they don't care about them...they feel the world is angry with them....and that makes it so much worse. Helping them to feel ok about themselves is very important to balance this out.

Sorry - raved on again!! Hope you find something that works too Julie and that your daughter starts to feel more confident in things outside of school as well.
All the best,
Linda

Re: Spiralling down again

Hi Linda,

I had no idea you have had a 10 year journey. Well done to you both!!! I had been reading some of your passed posts.

You are totally right about the anxiety, it is crippling our children. If a child had two broken legs would the professionals make them walk on them?? Much more is needed to support our children and families in crisis.

Pleasing to hear our children can make us proud even if the path is not straight forward.

I'm sure with your great support as a Mum he will continue to grow in self esteem and confidence.

I can only imagine how close you two must be. Sending love to you both xxxx

Re: Spiralling down again

Thanks Julie,
Sending love and thoughts to you too xx
Linda