Hi,



I have a 5 year old in Year 1. This year he has begun school refusing. Last year he wet himself everyday. I think this is because he finds aspects of school difficult -sensory issues, social anxiety, handwriting, the usual really.



After forcing him in one day last term and him suffering the anxiety consequences of this for weeks afterwards, I decided I wouldn't do that again. So far this term we've had a few days where I haven't got him in at all and a number where I've got him in late, generally by talking, encouraging, using his conformity and masking that he does in front of his teachers to help as he will get out of the car for them.



I'm just not sure what to do for the best. I was a teacher before I resigned last year as work and all this just didn't fit. I know if I was his SENCO and teacher I'd be thinking 'he's five and little, get him in, it's not difficult', but my gut tells me that forcing him in not the answer, but I don't know if I'm right. I worry that he is getting to pick and choose and does this set us up for difficulties in the future? On the other hand at the moment, his self esteem is good and I want to keep it that way.



School say this is an anxiety issue therefore the answer is just to get him through the door. He totally covers his anxiety and feelings in school so they don't really understand what it is that bothers him. I wonder about this though, as do the issues stemming from the ASD mean that school is likely to always be tricky and he's may always struggle with the anxiety of getting through the school day and managing everything that's going on. Or are they right, get him through the door and 'job done'. I think he'd cope ok if he could do a shorter day but that doesn't seem to be an option.



We have our first CAMHS appointment in June and we're currently fighting the LA for an EHCP assessment, I'm hoping extra support with help.



I'm not really sure what my question is, I suppose I'm looking for other people's thoughts who have experience of this and to know how this worked out for other people further down the path.



Cheers



M

Hi M

Welcome to the forum. Sounds like things are pretty hard for you and your son right now.
It is difficult to know what is the best thing to do, isn't it, but often our gut feeliing is right.
My son at that young age also used to bottle his anxiety up when at school and then be so angry when I picked him up (on the days he did attend). My son does not have ASD but many of the symptoms overlap with anxiety. It is heart breaking, isn't it.
(Things do get better by the way...a lot has to do with managing the anxiety and trying hard not to make school the main focus in life!).

FOrcing our kids to go is not the answer as it just makes it worse for them and us. I believe, however, had the school been more supportive and flexible when my son was the same age as your son, things might have been better.

What I can suggest is that you get in touch with the people who run another website for School Refusal: www.schoolrefusal.co.uk
They have a Facebook group and one of the mums has a son with ASD whose issues started back in early primary school. This group started after our website here and is now more active. This mum spent time staying at the school with her son. I did the same for my son, and helped out in th classroom basically and then after an hour was able to leave. It was not the answer but it got my son there without the heartache and it helped him maintain those early friendships.
As one of them running it knows more about ASD at that young age, you might find they have some good suggestions.
You can also email them via the site.
Come back any time as there are always parents on our forum who understand and are going through very similar things. There might be others on here who can help, but it might just take a bit longer to have someone post. Hang in there..you are doing all you can and there will be some help out there.
Schools are difficult places for kids like ours. Keeping your son's self esteem how it is now is very important.
See how you go over on the other site and/or facebook.
Take care
Linda

Sorry to hear of your struggles with your son. I am a SEN professional and a parent of 3 children with SEN. My daughter was a school refuser. Please visit my website - https://amchomesen.wixsite.com/mysen

I offer free email support and advice!

Take care
Anne-Marie

Hi Anne-Marie

Thanks for letting others know about your website and the help you give. The link at the bottom didn't go to your website, so if anyone wants to get in touch they need to cut and past the website address you gave.
It is hard finding help, so any is very much appreciated.
Thanks,
Linda

Hi Linda,

Thank you for your message & letting me know about the link. My website can be found on Google by searching AMC SEN.

Through my own personal & professional experience I have been shocked by how widespread a problem school refusal is. It has been apparent that there is just not enough help & support out there. I found that what little support there is, people just aren't aware it's there. The other issue is that it's not a complete support & I found professionals could only help with a few aspects but not the all the issues I faced combined so there was never progress. I only found progress once I took the lead & did it for myself. My daughter is now attending an independent school every day!

Sites like this a brilliant to bring everyone together & not to feel alone!

Kind regards
Anne-Marie