Hi Andrea,

Hang in there...it's tough parenting a school refuser! Others may have other advice but generally most who come on the forum agree that taking devices off them doesn't really work as it is not a behaviour issue. They cannot help how they feel, so the issues will just continue. Also....don't stop him seeing his friends. Friends are absolutley vital if he can't get to school. If he stops seeing his friends then he will end up without friends and that can be very isolating.

Having device free time is something I would recommend though..not sd punishment, but to allow thinking time. My son used his devices to much to avoid everything that now it is a real struggle for him to think about his situation. He always has a podcast gng to shut put thoughts. This means that he also doesn't try to use cognitive behaviour in himself to manage his anxiety. So try this at some point to even have positive time with your son, but definately not as punishment.

Try and push the school to get a camhs assessment as that might then lead to the support you need. Also push them to provide school work and explain that being behind in his work or out of the loop will lead to more school refusal as SR kids hare going back to school after absences when they are not sure what school work they have missed and where the rest of the kids are up to.
It is important to get support as quickly as you can because the longer this goes on, the more motivation your son will loose, not just to attend school, but to do any school work of any kind.
What is your gut feeling? Is there a history of anxiety with your son? Is there any possible bullying? Is he a avoiding some class activities such as giving a talk? Do you think he has a learning difficulty?

Jot everything down and keep a record of all meetings with the school and outside and any steps you take, such as coming on here to get help. It will be useful later if you need to prove what you have put in place. And try and get the school to understand that it is not a behaviour issue, but the behaviour is a result if an issue and usually this is underlying anxiety. Not shyness...but an inner fear that makes him feel physically sick and he will do all he can to avoid that situation. If they approach it from a beahviour issue and start to push and increase their demands on him and you (as in, up the ante) he will just dig his heals in more.
Ideally breaking through his anxiety barrier and getting to school is the best, but forcing him to go to school is not.
If you can get private help from a psychologist, it might save you the long wait for CAHMS. And sometimed if things don't improve, medication is ok to try as it does take the edge off and stops the depressioon taking hold.

Your son is probably just as bewildered as you are right now and needs lots of reassurance that you will do all you can to make him feel better (don't add...to go to school...just keep it at the 'feel better'). Do all you can to keep him engaged in family activities and outside the home. Do things that help build his self esteem. My son's self esteem felll to rock bottom and it was hard to build that back again and in hindsight, I wish I had done more in that regard. I became so focused on school that I lost the bigger picture of education not just being via school and how vital self esteem was. If he has any hobbies or even a slight interest, see if he can pursue that, or take lessons. The anxiety might effect that but worth a try.

Is it possible for him to go to school in a morning with one of his friends. My son managed to get to school for awhile when I orgsnised that he meet a friend and they walk together.

Let us know how it goes, And come on here any time. Everyone understands exactly what you are going through. And check out the resource section, there might be something there that helps. And get some support for yourself. Also do things just for you...you need your strength.
Take care...and stay in touch. Remember you are not alone :)
Linda xx

Dear Andrea,

I am sorry it has taken so long to respond to you. Linda and I have both got troubles at home and, speaking for myself, I have not been able to give this forum time.

However, there is no banging on the walls tonight, and the start of the new school year is under way without too much fuss.

'Put up the ante' - literally, to raise the stakes of a hand of poker.

It is clear to me that you need time for yourself. This can be difficult when you are trying to get your child into school, or out of bed and into the living room where some interaction might be possible. But from our experience, this can be a wearying and debilitating experience where you need to be at the top of your game at the key crisis points.

Are you keeping a diary of your son's absence from school? It can be important that you have clear notes on who said what to whom; who promised what; and who gave no assistance. Make notes at meetings and ask for a copy of the minutes (where appropriate). Keep them all in a folder so that you can refer to them in meetings or written submissions. Being organised can give you confidence at meetings and will enable you to challenge when you need to challenge, and not just accept.

Be careful about disconnecting him from his social circle. Peer support can be beneficial. He (and his class year) is probably receiving emails and online material from the school, so withdrawing that will cut him off, should he choose to look at it. Maybe he is allowed to use it at the kitchen table between 9 and 10 in the morning (gets him out of bed!), an hour in the afternoon and an hour at night.

My daughter's friends dwindled to one, and she became more and more introspective. That makes it more difficult to return to school.

It's a hard road, Andrea. But we are with you along the way.

Yours aye,

Simon

PS Just seen that Linda got here before me! Wonder woman! I got diverted midway by discussions about a demand for a bottle of wine before a Prom tomorrow!

Not sure about Wonder woman! And going by the typos...I think my thoughts spin out of control sometimes!!
But 'shut put' of one's thoughts is an interesting concept and kind of describes it actually!!

I just wanted to also add that when you got to any meetings at the school - make sure you dress up - and have folder in hand, so that you look in charge - even though you feel the opposite. Ask them what they are going to do for you...so that they don't start laying the blame game. They probably will anyway - but try not to take any of that stuff on board. We all seem to get blamed - but that is because the people blaming have absolutely no idea what we are going through.
Take care,
Linda

Thanks for the advice. Fingers crossed he has been into school 3 days this week after a bedtime regime has been put in place. He is allowed tech until 9:30 then must turn it off and settle down to watch telly till 11. He is normally asleep by then. Will keep you updated if it keeps up.
As for the school still had no reply to my email. Giving them till the end of the week and will be getting back in touch. The last time he went in for a while they thought we had it in hand but then it all kicked off again. I want a strategy put in place should it happen again. (That's me trying to be positive).
Thanks again and wish you luck with your own problems .
Andrea

Hi Guys
Well our plan didn't work he's been off all this week saying he doesn't feel well but can't tell you why and won't go to the doctors. A teacher from school came to the house on Tuesday and tried to talk to him and take him into school but he wouldn't even engage in any conversation. The past 2 days he has got up about lunchtime and sat down stairs, I have tried to talk to him but he just says he's not well. Starting to feel really frustrated again. Keeping a log of things that happen with school . They feel that at the moment a meeting is not needed as he is attending school sometimes but they don't get what I go through every morning trying to get him up and into school. It's really draining and I feel like I can't do anything as I need to keep trying to get him in.
Any ideas anyone.
Andrea

Hi Andrea

Can you find some counselling for him? Seeing a psychologist or counsellor and working with Cognitive Beahaviour therapy does work. I'm not saying its a cure - but it is part of the on-going management process. Right now your son feeling ill is quite real. My son's anxiety also made him feel physically sick. It was hard to know when the line of actually feeling sick extended into 'prolonging' to avoid - but it was definitely there. If you can start to give your son some confidence and someone to talk this through with - his self esteem might not go down too much. The main issue seemed to be with my son - and many on here - that once it is left too long - it is very hard to bring that self confidence back up.
They don't know what is happening to them either and everyone on their case just makes them want to close up even more. My son has seen many psychologists and psychiatrists over the years and there were times when he refused to see them, even when they came to the house (like the teacher did). But overall - he had many sessions - and there were some good steps forward from that.

It is great that the teacher came to the house. Has the school referred you to CAHMS - or are they waiting to see what happens? The other thing to try not to let go on to long - is getting behind in school work. I think I mentioned previously how getting work sent home is important so that your son doesn't feel left behind.
Do you know if there were some expectations on him that stopped him continuing to go? Are all his teachers aware of the situation. If you can try and get all his teachers to know that he is not 'putting this on' and it is not behaviour but he is suffering severe anxiety - and ask that they keep this in mind when asking him to interact in any way in the classroom or set tasks. Over the years my son did manage to get through each year because one or two teachers did make allowances and if he had to give a talk, for instance, they arranged he just give it to them or a very small group.
Not all teachers will understand - but some might and will make it that bit easier.

Have you considered any on-line schooling. Medication? Have you checked out Red Bubble and see what they have to offer?
It is terribly draining - I know that feeling well. Hang in there - things don't stay the same. There is always something round the corner. Small tiny steps are all good - so just work on those small steps at this stage and not the big school thing. And do something for yourself. Make sure you son knows he is not alone - there are others out there who feel the same and he will learn to manage it.
Take care and come on here any time.
Linda xx