school refusers


a resource for parents 


Please feel free to join our School Refuser message forum discussions. If you have experience of school refusing, you may find it appropriate to respond to previous posts.  Or you may be feeling isolated and wish to express your feelings.  Whatever, your contribtions are welocme. 

  No registration required - just get posting!
 


School Refusal
Start a New Topic 
Author
Comment
View Entire Thread
Re: 14 year old son refuses to go to school

Dear Andrea,

I am sorry it has taken so long to respond to you. Linda and I have both got troubles at home and, speaking for myself, I have not been able to give this forum time.

However, there is no banging on the walls tonight, and the start of the new school year is under way without too much fuss.

'Put up the ante' - literally, to raise the stakes of a hand of poker.

It is clear to me that you need time for yourself. This can be difficult when you are trying to get your child into school, or out of bed and into the living room where some interaction might be possible. But from our experience, this can be a wearying and debilitating experience where you need to be at the top of your game at the key crisis points.

Are you keeping a diary of your son's absence from school? It can be important that you have clear notes on who said what to whom; who promised what; and who gave no assistance. Make notes at meetings and ask for a copy of the minutes (where appropriate). Keep them all in a folder so that you can refer to them in meetings or written submissions. Being organised can give you confidence at meetings and will enable you to challenge when you need to challenge, and not just accept.

Be careful about disconnecting him from his social circle. Peer support can be beneficial. He (and his class year) is probably receiving emails and online material from the school, so withdrawing that will cut him off, should he choose to look at it. Maybe he is allowed to use it at the kitchen table between 9 and 10 in the morning (gets him out of bed!), an hour in the afternoon and an hour at night.

My daughter's friends dwindled to one, and she became more and more introspective. That makes it more difficult to return to school.

It's a hard road, Andrea. But we are with you along the way.

Yours aye,

Simon

PS Just seen that Linda got here before me! Wonder woman! I got diverted midway by discussions about a demand for a bottle of wine before a Prom tomorrow!

Re: 14 year old son refuses to go to school

Not sure about Wonder woman! And going by the typos...I think my thoughts spin out of control sometimes!!
But 'shut put' of one's thoughts is an interesting concept and kind of describes it actually!!

I just wanted to also add that when you got to any meetings at the school - make sure you dress up - and have folder in hand, so that you look in charge - even though you feel the opposite. Ask them what they are going to do for you...so that they don't start laying the blame game. They probably will anyway - but try not to take any of that stuff on board. We all seem to get blamed - but that is because the people blaming have absolutely no idea what we are going through.
Take care,
Linda

Re: 14 year old son refuses to go to school

Thanks for the advice. Fingers crossed he has been into school 3 days this week after a bedtime regime has been put in place. He is allowed tech until 9:30 then must turn it off and settle down to watch telly till 11. He is normally asleep by then. Will keep you updated if it keeps up.
As for the school still had no reply to my email. Giving them till the end of the week and will be getting back in touch. The last time he went in for a while they thought we had it in hand but then it all kicked off again. I want a strategy put in place should it happen again. (That's me trying to be positive).
Thanks again and wish you luck with your own problems .
Andrea

Re: 14 year old son refuses to go to school

Hi Guys
Well our plan didn't work he's been off all this week saying he doesn't feel well but can't tell you why and won't go to the doctors. A teacher from school came to the house on Tuesday and tried to talk to him and take him into school but he wouldn't even engage in any conversation. The past 2 days he has got up about lunchtime and sat down stairs, I have tried to talk to him but he just says he's not well. Starting to feel really frustrated again. Keeping a log of things that happen with school . They feel that at the moment a meeting is not needed as he is attending school sometimes but they don't get what I go through every morning trying to get him up and into school. It's really draining and I feel like I can't do anything as I need to keep trying to get him in.
Any ideas anyone.
Andrea

Re: 14 year old son refuses to go to school

Hi Andrea

Can you find some counselling for him? Seeing a psychologist or counsellor and working with Cognitive Beahaviour therapy does work. I'm not saying its a cure - but it is part of the on-going management process. Right now your son feeling ill is quite real. My son's anxiety also made him feel physically sick. It was hard to know when the line of actually feeling sick extended into 'prolonging' to avoid - but it was definitely there. If you can start to give your son some confidence and someone to talk this through with - his self esteem might not go down too much. The main issue seemed to be with my son - and many on here - that once it is left too long - it is very hard to bring that self confidence back up.
They don't know what is happening to them either and everyone on their case just makes them want to close up even more. My son has seen many psychologists and psychiatrists over the years and there were times when he refused to see them, even when they came to the house (like the teacher did). But overall - he had many sessions - and there were some good steps forward from that.

It is great that the teacher came to the house. Has the school referred you to CAHMS - or are they waiting to see what happens? The other thing to try not to let go on to long - is getting behind in school work. I think I mentioned previously how getting work sent home is important so that your son doesn't feel left behind.
Do you know if there were some expectations on him that stopped him continuing to go? Are all his teachers aware of the situation. If you can try and get all his teachers to know that he is not 'putting this on' and it is not behaviour but he is suffering severe anxiety - and ask that they keep this in mind when asking him to interact in any way in the classroom or set tasks. Over the years my son did manage to get through each year because one or two teachers did make allowances and if he had to give a talk, for instance, they arranged he just give it to them or a very small group.
Not all teachers will understand - but some might and will make it that bit easier.

Have you considered any on-line schooling. Medication? Have you checked out Red Bubble and see what they have to offer?
It is terribly draining - I know that feeling well. Hang in there - things don't stay the same. There is always something round the corner. Small tiny steps are all good - so just work on those small steps at this stage and not the big school thing. And do something for yourself. Make sure you son knows he is not alone - there are others out there who feel the same and he will learn to manage it.
Take care and come on here any time.
Linda xx