Hi all,
I need help again, my son hasn't attended secondary school for any length of time at all, he has done spells of days, sometimes an hour a day nothing continuous. We have been under cahms for a while but he won't engage with them, recently he won't attend appointments and hides under his duvet or traps himself in his room if they come here.
Last week they decided if he didn't interact they would admit him so with a lot of effort I got him to cahms to see the consultant, to cut an awful story short the consultant decided there was nothing wrong with him he wasn't depressed or anxious about school so there is no mental health reason he will not go. I am now being sent on a parenting course.
Too exhausted to think straight or fight anymore, son has not left his room since the visit last week, so fed up with this ☹️

Hi Bailey45,

I can't believe they said there is nothing wrong with your son!!! How can they account for his inability to attend!? It makes me so cross when they do this. Your son sounds just like all other kids with School Refusal, and so he must have an anxiety disorder. The reason why he can't face attending sessions with cahms is for the same reason. They are just too quick to make out it is a 'behaviour' issue when the behaviour is so obviously a result of something else and cannot stand alone.
What do you mean by they would 'admit' him?

Others on here have been told to attend parenting sessions. I think it is something you will have to attend, however, as not attending then makes it look like you are avoiding help.
I would gather together as much information about school refusal as you can and then present this to the school and cahms. If you can afford it, I'd be looking at seeing if you can get him diagnosed by a private psychologist.
I am not sure from what you have said previously...What is your gut feeling? Do you think he has an anxiety disorder can you think of anything right back to when he was young that might have even indicated there was an issue?). Do you think he might be on the autism spectrum? Is he highly intelligent? Are there sleep issues? Can you try another medication now he is a bit older?

What is his self esteem like? Honestly, cahms can't just brush it away and say it is not a mental health issue. And a child doesn't stay home because of a 'parenting' issue. Just make sure you keep emphasising that your son does have an issue. And remind them that the school has an obligation to provide work or tutors for your son if he is unable to attend due to physical or mental reasons.

Keep notes of everything. If you haven't already, write down your reflection on how all this started. Keep notes from meetings and any correspondence. Dress up for any meeting you attend, including the parenting sessions. Ask them what they will do for you, rather than let them dictate what they think you should be doing.

Apart from what the school seem to want to dish out to you, perhaps see if you can engage with your son and not mention school. Is there something he can do at home/outside home that would help build his self esteem. Does he have friends? Can you keep him engaged with them or family? Not coming out if his room is typical as he does not feel good about what is happening and doesn't want to hear the mention of school anymore! I know my son was the same. Embrace and accept where he is right now as he probably is confused and angry and has no idea why he feels this way.
Perhaps get in touch with Red Ballon and see if fhere is something in your area.
I know just how exhausting it is. Try not to feel the blame that it seems the school are putting on you. Do something for yourself.

Things don't stay the same, Keep thinking of ways to build your son's self esteem. School does not have to be in a straight line or in an institution. Let us know what happens with or after the parenting sessions. Sorry I don't have any miracle answer on how to handle cahms. They are all different and it depends a lot on the individual and the school.
Hang in there....it does get better...and small tiny steps are all good.
Linda

Thanks Linda
I will fully read this later when brain functioning but just to let you all know my school has been amazing - they do exist! They have done everything possible to help us but without that diagnosis from cahms I'm so worried everything will collapse, also the only place he will go rarely is school we do not go out go away nothing ☹️ This is bad parenting though 😖😖😖