school refusers

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Re: Any advice for 11 year old.

Hi Julie

This is a tough one and one which we all seem to face at some stage and one to which I really don't have the answer!
I think the exposure is ok if it is school she is fearful of - but if it is separation anxiety - it's not necessarily school that is actually the problem. It makes it worse - because schools can be isolating places or too much going on all at once when you have anxiety - but it's the leaving you that is the problem. My son and most kid's with school refusal seem to have this in varying degrees. It becomes ' school refusal' as a result of the anxiety. You might need to experiment to see if the anxiety is present if separation occurs in situations outside of school?

Sorry I don't have the answers but hang in there - you are trying whatever you think might help. Keep her self esteem up and see if you can learn as much about cognitive behaviour therapy in relation to dealing with anxiety as you can and the apply that in your interactions with your daughter.

They do say with 'fears' that constant exposure breaks them down. The psychologists never seem to quite get their head around this one with school refusal though, as they can't tell if it is the school or the separation. If it is the separation - then exposing your daughter to separations when in other situations in small doses might help. Going to a library and saying you'll meet her at the front desk in 5-10 mins or something. Or telling her to go into the next isle in the supermarket and get the cereal for you? Or when out - ask her to go into the shop/petrol station if she wants a drink? Do it 'matter of factly' so that she doesn't have time to think it through and give her lots of praise afterwards as being a great help to you. And she is less likely to over react in such a place. But also don't leave her alone for long at any one time but increase it slowly until you perhaps stay in the car and ask if she can just pop in and get a carton of milk. It almost worked with my son except that he can't do this in the local shops as he is still fearful he'll see one of his peers - as this is the social anxiety now speaking.

If you can build her self confidence in separation from you in such small doses - she might not feel the leap into school as so large. Just an idea. Would the school consider half days building up to longer? Or an hour first week - two hours the second week etc. It has to be slow enough to work. Rushing and pushing just don't work.
And there is always a good cop bad cop in the one house or even in separate houses (as Simon pointed out once) so don't worry - we all do things differently.
Let us know how you go -