school refusers


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School Refusal
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Re: Daily routine

Hi Sara

My daughter has anxiety and has school refused since starting secondary in September this year.
It’s tough when they refuse because you feel their pain too.

We’ve tried everything, forcing, punishing (take away phone Etc) and even backing off and not sending her.

If the school would allow him to maybe start back in a phase return he may not feel so overwhelmed.

My experience is to support and to encourage him and take the lead for him so he feels secure to make the steps back. Maybe contact a friend of his at school to see if they can buddy up to help him back.

Hope this helps a little. Stay positive and strong. Make sure you look after yourself xxx
Julie

Re: Daily routine

Hi Sara

Sorry to hear how things are. It brings back lots of memories for me. It's a tough time. Simon and Julie have said much of what I would also suggest. There is no one answer but I can share what I did in case that helps.
I was told by a couple of psychologists to make things as boring as possible on the days he refused so that he'd want to go to school. Trouble is, I soon realised, this was not a behaviour issue, but a mental health issue and so it made no difference to school attendence and he just became depressed. So I would turn the day into a positive day after all that negative emotion in the morning. I'd get him to help me in the garden or bake a cake or go for a drive. Getting out of the house was important as it helped stop him becoming house bound.

He was always terrified someone would see him not at school so we had to drive away from the school area.
He would then be in a better frame of mind to do some school work. In fact I could negotiate that if we did a positive activity, he could then do some school work and then his reward was playing on his computer etc.
Simon is right about stayingin touch with friends. That is really important. DOes he have friends from primary school that are at his high school?
Can he still catch up with them or at least play on-line games or xbox?

My son would go on the first day of every term by walking with a school friend to school. He did this at primary school and then with a different boy at high school. He'd then falter by the second and third day but he sometimes averaged about three days a week for awhile by doing this.
If they are absent due ti illness, like your son, for some reason they find it really really hard to go back. They seem to fear being asked where they were and can't just shrug it off. My son once described it to me as if he had his thoughts written all over the outside of his body so even if he answeres them with 'I was sick' he felt they'd see his thoughts and know he was suffering severe anxiety. Vicious circle of course, but it gives you some idea of how sensative they are to not being 'normal'. So make your son's life as normal as possible! Boost his self esteem in any way you can. Get him to start a hobby, pursue a skill....help others. Try not to let th school refusal consume you all.

I am also a single parent and it is really hard, I know the pain you are going through with this. Try and also keep your life as normal as possible and catch up with friends over a coffee, take up a creative hobby or sport...and get some help for yourself if you can.
Explain to your daughter that he cannot help how he is right now and needs her support. Maybe she can have some ideas of what might help. Get her involved in the recovery process so that she feels she has a role to play. Your son might not be so keen for her to be part of his support but it might make her feel you are a team rather than all working as individuals with different goals. Talk her through the seriousness of mental health issues and why your son needs support right now. She might not take it on board straight away but being asked to help might make her think it over. Explain to her that many young people like her brother are affected by this and recover by having lots of support and understanding. Tell her how proud you are of her as you know she will help to get him better.

It is a slow road and small steps are all good.
My son passed each year of school despite hardly attending! So school is not everything. I'd try and get him a tutor in maths and/or English so that he does not fall behind in these skills. If I had my time again, I would have tried with tutors more. My son initially refused to see the tutor but later had a different tutor and went ok but he had big gaps in his maths knowledge as he had missed to much. This makes it hard for them when they try to go back to school and they don't know what the teacher is talking about and they feel stupid.
Julie's suggestion of starting back for a short time and then longer might also work. Figure out if there are some classes he likes and why and if he can start back by attending them. And yes...working on that separation anxiety in some way...very important but doesn't have to be done via school.
Hang in there. You are a good mum and doing all you can in very trying circumstances. Come on here any time as we understand just how you feel. It does get better. Our acceptance and getting on with our own lives also helps. Do something nice for yourself today...
take care,
Linda xx

Re: Daily routine

Thanks for your reply and advice. Unfortunately he doesn’t have friends only a school dinner lady 😩😩

Re: Daily routine

Thanks for your advice and for replying. It’s nice to know I’m not alone x

Re: Daily routine

Hi Sara

Does he not have friends due to not attending school or possible autism spectrum? Has he had an assessment for CAMHS? Does he need extra support perhaps whilst at school? Not having friends is a huge issue for kids attending school. It must be awful for your son, so not surprising he does not want to attend.
Does he play on-line games? My son went through one of his long patches of not attending, isolated from friends, but he made some new friends on line. He never spoke with them, he just typed in messages during the game playing and they did the same. Initially I was unsure as I did not know these young people but I think they were in a similar situation and they supported each other and it got my son through an otherwise friendless time. The game they played was called Team Fortress. He did also at possibly your son's age connect with others through Minecraft. They can be anonymous on any of these and that helps them remain connected to other people. I used to be against computer games but I have changed my mind.
One thing perhaps to keep in mind though, is playing games when they should be in bed as they feel less anxious...can flip their time clock and then its pretty hard to turn around. it can also block out attempts to deal with anxious thoughts. So specific time away from technology is vital.
Perhaps read up about cognitive behaviour therapy yourself and see if you can implement some of this when talking things through with your son and getting him to change how he thinks. It takes some maturity but my son did take some on board at your son's age.


Let us know how you are going and come on here any time and let out your frustrations or ask for help.
Take care,
Linda xx

Re: Daily routine

Hi Sara and Julie

How have things gone in the last few weeks?
Linda

Re: Daily routine

Thanks Linda for your concern. Things are getting worse. Went to school last week for 2 hours 😩

Re: Daily routine

Hi Sara,
I am so sorry to hear this. Must be so stressful for you. I know that feeling well!
I am still a firm believer that one has to deal with the anxiety as an issue and build self esteem and confidence that will help them to take steps forward. If school is continuously out in the equation, they continue to react against it. Some recent research, however, has found that medication (in this case it was prozac) combined with one on one cognitive behaviour therapy, gets many kids back to school.
Perhaps you might consider medication? And can the school provide or recommend someone for cognitive behaviour therapy?
Do you suspect your son might be on the autism scale? In which case, does the school also have some ideas?

Meanwhile....don't let it spiral you and your son down. Find some ways outside of school to make him feel he is ok and can give him some confidence. If he is interested in something,perhaps pursue that as a source of learning as well as building self esteem.
I think I have mentioned in previous posts things to do at home.
If your son has no friends at school, then could this be a big part of not wanting to be there? Can the school come up with some kind of way of getting him and any other kids in similar positions (there is always more than one) to get to know each other better?

Come on here any time if you have questions or advice, as myself, Simon or someone else might have ideas to help you through.
There is no one answer but I do know that the main thing is not to feel judged and let others make you feel guilty that your son is not getting to school. Maybe talk to the doctor and about prozac. We didn't get onto the right medicatin soon enough.
The research I mention was done by Monash University in Australia. You can search on line or there might be a link in the Blog section or resource section of the website here, if you wanted to pass the info on to the doctor.
All the best and do something nice just for you today ...
Linda

Re: Daily routine

Hi Sara (and Julie),

Have you managed to get some more support?
Can you organise a counsellor or psychologist, to deal with the anxiety and building self esteem back up?
What i have learnt on our long journey is that the previous psychologists should have been focusing on the anxiety and not just school refusal because by focusing just on school my son, and I am sure many school refusers, start to feel they have 'failed' and are not normal.
Keeping some kind of learning or education going is important but school isn't everything, but our child's self worth and acceptance in this world is.
Take care,
Linda xx