Hi everybody I hope you can offer me some support - my son started high school in September and attended very happily for the first month and then some issues started to arise firstly the school bus, boys at school, long days etc. We sorted things out as best we could and I started taking him in the car, picking him up early, taking him in late until he refused completely to go into school. He freezes, goes white and has a blank glassy eyed look on his face. I did force him out of the car but he would run along side begging me not to leave him (I am not a bad person just completely out of my depth). He would text me continually in school begging me to get him to the point where he said he would kill himself - the school were not supportive and completely out of their depth. My son has always been a really happy confident boy and never showed any signs of anxiety/refusal at his primary school.

We took the decision to change his school but actually we have just moved the problem on - he has seen a counsellor (who he hated) and we are now seeing a hypnotherapist. The school are at a loss and are trying to be supportive but not really offering any solutions. Also saying they cannot set work as he has not met his tutors? I have called the local counsel who have confirmed that he is due an education and they should be doing all they can to support his learning at home but that I need to be nice to the school as I need to keep them on side!!!

The doctor referred me to CAMS who said we would need to wait a month for an initial appointment and then 3 months for an ongoing appointment hence the reason we employed our own counsellor. The doctor was initially supportive but does not seem to know what route to take and says you are doing all the right things just carry on. I feel like screaming there seems to be no support - I asked the doctor if he could see a paediatrician but he said no but that he would take bloods which is where we are now.

I just need to get him the help he needs to be supported at home with a view to going back to school eventually. The school are insisting I drive him there every morning and try to get him in which I have been doing but I can see the anxiety growing in him on the drive - am I doing the right thing? Any guidance or advice you can give would be amazing.

Thank you.

Hi Susan

My heart goes out to you. I know just how you feel and what you are going through. One big thing to remember is that you are not alone.
There is no magic answer, but there are things that can help and some kids do find themselves managing school and others have to find other educational avenues.

My son is giving his final year of schooling a go (should have completed it last year in fact), so the advice I can give comes from what I have learnt. The main thing I really wish the counsellors/psycholigists could have done years ago, was work on my son's anxiety and NOT focused on school.
I have learnt that now, that it was not necessarily school that triggered the school refusal but the anxiety that was initially separation anxiety turned into social anxiety because of so much school missed. One day they might find out why so many like your son and mine have this anxiety. My son's current psychologist believes it is our fast paced, global focused, social media focused society where the small community of family and neighbourhood has broken down. THis means that a place like school only makes the anxiety worse.
Try and find ways to work on your son's anxiety and not in relation so school. His self esteem is plummeting as everyine he knows just keeps on going on about the one thing he is avoiding. So tutors, counsellors etc all represent to him the 'going back to school scenario.
Build your son's confidence in himself by doing things with him that he can achieve in...even some baking is an immediate reward.

Perhaps then, when he feels more confident in who he is, he might try and tackle school. Small hours at first and then building up can be an option if the school agree. The other thing you can talk to your doctor about is medication, My son has been on medication for a couple of years now and it has lifted his mood considerably, although currently he is still trying ot challenge his anxiety. Some medications work better than others and it is helpful for them to have this and then be able to tackle cognitive behaviour therapy and even mindfulness.

Do you think there was any bullying? Was there an incident at school or friends went to diffeent schools? Often there is no reason...just the anxiety. There may have been signs earlier...not wanting to go to school camp? Or staying home on certain days? Or not staying over at friend's houses etc? They can sometimes hang in there until the big change to high school, and then they are just lost in a sea of other kids and they do feel like they are drowningl All the expectations placed on them by others and themselves, the noise, the crowds, the peer pressure etc.
If you can find one teacher to connect with your son or who cares about him...they might be the person to help him eventually go back.
Changing schools takes the problem with them as you discovered (we did that too!) and then making new friends is just too hard.

Education via school isn't everythingl Have a look in the resource section or other posts that mention things like on line learning or support groups. Is home schooling an option? Does your son have friends or remain in contact with anyone via games in the computer perhaps?
Friends can help keep that link with peers but at the same time, not having friends is not the end of the world, just make sure socialising keeps happening with family or family friends.
You are doing the best you can in very trying circumstances. Don't let anyone lay the blame on you or tell you it is a behaviour issue. It is a mental health issue and not behaviour. The school should be more familiar with this than they make out. Your son won't be the only one going through this going by the statistics. Try to let your son know you are doing all you can to help him feel better and that you would like him to keep learning even if it is not at school. My son also refused to see his maths tutor when he was your son's age but later he did accept a tutor for awhile. I suspected that by missing school, he had little idea of what he was or wasn't supposed to know and so having a tutor made this obvous and put him on the spot. It takes a good tutor to enage with school refusal kids.
It is a rocky road, but don't feel alone, Come on here any time to ask questions or just to have a rave. It has been a bit quiet on here lately but someone is always around to give support.
Go and do something just for you today and don't let yourself become consumed by this. Try and keep life going as normal as possible and work on that anxiety of his, usiing what you can learn yourself about cognitive behaviour therapy.
My son is not out of the woods yet but he still wants to learn, and he has learnt life skills that will help as he matures. And maturity does help.
As parents we need to try and not be critical or make them feel guilty. They can't help what is happening to them.
Take care and see how you go. I'd be interested to hear how things go if you can take the focus off school and perhaos look at medication.
Linda xx

Dear Linda

Thank you so much for your advice and support it means so much that somebody actually understands what we are going through. I am trying to take a more relaxed approach about schooling my daughter currently sets all his work for the week and we are going to join a local gym and go a couple of times a week so he is getting some form of exercise. We have encouraged him to game in the evening and also invite friends over to play as often as possible. I have asked the doctors for medication but he refused and said it is not a medication issue and insisted on taking bloods (which showed he is iron deficient). We have now been referred to CAMS but referrals can take up to 12 weeks so will wait for their assessment. I have today emailed the school asking them to send work home and also help me put a plan in action for Joe's return starting with him getting out of the car and walking to the front of the school but not actually going in - I am going to see how this goes and hopefully build up from there - if it fails I am going to consider other ways of schooling - he is adamant that he wants to return to school and it breaks my heart to see him so stuck in this horrible situation with little help/understanding from the professionals of what to do. I am feeling more confident about the situation but as I say I feel helpless as to how to help. Thank you again. Susan

Hi Susan

I wonder why the doctor felt it wasn't a medication issue? What, apart from low in iron, is the issue from his point of view? Whilst I was against medication for a long time, it came to a point where I could see he needed something to take the edge off. But it is early days yet with your son, so see what you can do to keep his self esteem up and physical health. My son was also low in iron but so was I...and doctor wasn't sure if that was diet or hereditory. He did not link school refusal with low in iron, however.

Good luck in the days ahead and let us know how things go and also what support CAMHS come up with.
Can you think of any incident or situation now or years ago that may have started th anxiety?
Take care and stay strong.
Love to hear from you again, and happy to offer support in any way I can.
Linda

Thank you Linda. I think the doctor is just stalling as I asked if he could refer him to a paediatrician which he was very against. Somebody else advised me that he should see a paediatrician to rule out any other things such as AS/ADHD????? He has never presented before so I think that is why the doctor is so reluctant. Again he was reluctant about medication and CAMS said it was up to them to sort out any medication he may need (does anybody actually know what they are doing?).

I have decided today after another emotional anxious trip to school that I am not going to do this anymore - who is gaining from this definitely not Joe and he should be my priority as school is his anxiety (I think I said the school have insisted I take him every day even though he can't get out the car and his anxiety is sky high - I report to the office every day that we have turned up but that he won't be in (I have no idea why they feel the need for me to do this and am sure I am ticking a box in some way).

I am going to take the school pressure off hire a tutor and school him at home for a bit until we get additional help from CAMS. I am hoping the school might offer some help but to date they have refused as he is not attending - I feel I am bashing my head against a brick wall and nobody has any definite answer for me. I have absolutely no idea what could have caused the anxiety but you hit the nail on the head about previous signs - he has never had sleepovers at friends houses, we tried but I would always get a call to say he wanted to come home.

Again Linda thank you for your support - I am going to try my new plan of action and will let you know how I get on (I'm sure it will change but am willing to try anything at this stage).

Susanx