Hi Sandy

So lovely to hear you were able to sit down and have such a good and open chat. Sounds like your gut feeling is right.
Ask the school whether you are able to deregister at this stage. As long as you have ideas in place, even though work and apprenticeships might be recommended, you should be ok.
https://www.gov.uk/know-when-you-can-leave-school

I think the defiance in all things was something I also saw in my son and it was that loss of control of something that was on a daily basis and everyone around him seemed hung up on and controlling. It has taken my son a long time to find his own level of control of his life and stop rejecting everything or not believing he is capable. So from my experience I can say....don't keep pushing him....it has so many negative effects. The professionals say they have to go to school but often it is not 'school' that is the issue but the anxiety or fear of something that needs to be dealt with first, otherwise it stays. So although our sons are bright and we feel schooling will see them have a good future....its no use to them if it causes them to break down and become defiant. I am so glad you can see a future outside of schooling as that will help your son move on.

It was Simon who set up this wonderful site and was a saviour for me many years ago. I now oversee the site and Simon checks in as often as he can.
Let us know what the school says re deregistering as it might help others to know whether the government policy and schools are in agreement on this one!
All the best to you and your son as you take steps in a different direction,
Linda

I see that you and Linda have had a good chat! What a difference it made to me to have people around who actually understood what we were going through.

You also seem to have cleared the air a bit with your son, and I am sure that will help you both.

Picking up on your relationship with the school...

De-registering from the school also cuts you off from the school - and potentially the education system. I would talk to the school first to check what the implications are. You may still want to use the school so your son can take his exams at a later date.

The home visit from the year head and deputy head gives you both the opportunity to ask questions, and not just be talked to. Preparation and planning are the key here. He is your son, and you know your responsibility to ensure he receives an education. But it is the school's job to provide it (with the local education authority). So, you are pleased that they are taking the time to concentrate on your son, and welcome their help. (Take the initiative; be in charge) Make sure you know your facts, and have the relevant correspondence to hand.

I am sure you have made the point that de-registering is not you saying to your child that he can spend the rest of his life in bed! or in the house. But there needs to be some plan in place as to what is going to happen. You made the point that he is eloquent and mature, knowing himself very well, so in that context, I am sure he already knows that must be the case, but it will still be a difficult process for you both.

Yours aye,

Simon

An update: Two senior teachers, my son's year head and English teacher, came for a home visit yesterday and they were really supportive and kind. My son was in a panic and refused to see them and they respected that and didn't push. They offered that he could take his English Exams at home with an invigilator as he had passed his English Lang mocks just before he stopped going in and they have referred us to social services with our consent to get more support (though he is saying no to this at present). They will not be doing anything punitive as they are happy with everything we are doing and our communication etc. Most of all you could see that they were genuinely sad for my son, with whom they have built up a relationship with over the years. This has floored me, as I had put all my energy into preparing for a fight and now I'm just left with the sadness of it all. The last week has been the proverbial rollercoaster of emotions.
Any advice or experience of planning for the future post 16 would be great. What different options are out there? He thinks he can just take them all again next year but I do worry because he is very good at feeling positive about things in the future and he may panic again. We are all tiptoeing around him at the moment and not causing arguments and babying him, which I think we may have to do for a while till he feels better, but at some point he will have to begin to contribute a bit more to the household, chores etc, work towards his future and gain a little financial independence and I find all that hard to see happening too soon and I really don't want to get into the same old cycle of me pushing and him being defiant. Did you see any change in attitude when the school pressure was off or did a lot of the same issues continue in a different form?

Sandy, our experience was one of steps forward and steps back, and not always more forward!

Yes, the pressures are less as you do not have that morning struggle every day (Have you seen my 'Duvet Day' article: http://schoolrefuser.blogspot.co.uk/2016/ ? I am sure others have similar stories to tell.

My daughter took longer to reach the point where she is self-sufficient than her siblings and friends did, but she made the journey. She gained a degree and holds down a job that requires away from home travel.

But is was at many times a hard struggle for us all. My motto is 'Onwards and Upwards'. I commend it.

Hi Sandy,

So glad to hear the visit was good and they genuinely cared and wanted to help.

Did the same issues continue? I guess as Simon has indicated in his case, it improved in that you don't have to feel so awful each morning....
but the anxiety issues in our case did remain and when he tried to study again, I think he fell back into the old pattern and he almost expected to fail before he even started! Leaving school behind, however, was a relief in our case as we had struggled to get any real help.
He also became a much happier boy.
Every case is slightly different, so it is hard to tell but there will be relief for you and your son in regard to the expectation from society that when at school your child 'should be attending like all the other kids'.

In our case, trying to keep him in school had some positives such as interacting with others and keeping friends (although they were drifting away due to him being absent so often) and some experiences that were great such as work experience (he attended 9-5 every day for a week),
a project that involved interviewing a voluntary group...he made a lvideo. But on the whole it was a nightmare for me and terribly stressful and counter productive long term for my son. He now seems to associate study with failure as in his school refusal was always seen as a kind of failure by his dad and the schools.

Sorry...rambling on a bit as usual! As I again face the realisation that my son has stopped going to the college to do his final year...there are many unknowns But I went to his psychologist last week as he refused and his psych said I had to get on with my life and now that my son is 18 I have to actually stop parenting, I can be there to help or support but if me trying to get him to do something is not working then he said in many ways he will start to take steps to do something if he sees life back to normal for me and even me having a good time. He thinks maturity will eventually kick in and he will want to make the changes or seek the help that he now refuses. He said that I had done all I can in terms of help and suggestions. He also thought my son was taking me for granted. This was in relation to always being there to pick up the pieces and help him move forward. He said if I keep doing that, he won't feel the need to find his own help.

Your son is not at this stage and with his complex issues, you are in a different situation where your assistance is needed.
If you think your son will find work and it sounds like he is more social than my son, then I think you will find it is a relief for you and your son. And whilst some new anxiety might arise as he is no longer in a small somewhat protected environment as he was at school, these might well be different than the anxiety he faced at school. It is an evolving process and a long term one but like Simon's daughter has shown....there are ways forward and in time they will seek their own help and become stronger individuals. In many ways due to trying to cope already, they have more coping mechanisms than the average teenager, but they often can't see this or don't know how to put them into practise.

I'd love to know what you end up deciding and how it goes for you.
Hear soon...take care,
Linda xx