school refusers


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School Refusal
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Re: New to all this

Hi Sandy,

So glad to hear the visit was good and they genuinely cared and wanted to help.

Did the same issues continue? I guess as Simon has indicated in his case, it improved in that you don't have to feel so awful each morning....
but the anxiety issues in our case did remain and when he tried to study again, I think he fell back into the old pattern and he almost expected to fail before he even started! Leaving school behind, however, was a relief in our case as we had struggled to get any real help.
He also became a much happier boy.
Every case is slightly different, so it is hard to tell but there will be relief for you and your son in regard to the expectation from society that when at school your child 'should be attending like all the other kids'.

In our case, trying to keep him in school had some positives such as interacting with others and keeping friends (although they were drifting away due to him being absent so often) and some experiences that were great such as work experience (he attended 9-5 every day for a week),
a project that involved interviewing a voluntary group...he made a lvideo. But on the whole it was a nightmare for me and terribly stressful and counter productive long term for my son. He now seems to associate study with failure as in his school refusal was always seen as a kind of failure by his dad and the schools.

Sorry...rambling on a bit as usual! As I again face the realisation that my son has stopped going to the college to do his final year...there are many unknowns But I went to his psychologist last week as he refused and his psych said I had to get on with my life and now that my son is 18 I have to actually stop parenting, I can be there to help or support but if me trying to get him to do something is not working then he said in many ways he will start to take steps to do something if he sees life back to normal for me and even me having a good time. He thinks maturity will eventually kick in and he will want to make the changes or seek the help that he now refuses. He said that I had done all I can in terms of help and suggestions. He also thought my son was taking me for granted. This was in relation to always being there to pick up the pieces and help him move forward. He said if I keep doing that, he won't feel the need to find his own help.

Your son is not at this stage and with his complex issues, you are in a different situation where your assistance is needed.
If you think your son will find work and it sounds like he is more social than my son, then I think you will find it is a relief for you and your son. And whilst some new anxiety might arise as he is no longer in a small somewhat protected environment as he was at school, these might well be different than the anxiety he faced at school. It is an evolving process and a long term one but like Simon's daughter has shown....there are ways forward and in time they will seek their own help and become stronger individuals. In many ways due to trying to cope already, they have more coping mechanisms than the average teenager, but they often can't see this or don't know how to put them into practise.

I'd love to know what you end up deciding and how it goes for you.
Hear soon...take care,
Linda xx