There was a time I felt that way, and I am still

praying for "my time", even though it is for a

different reason. Solomon said there was a "time" for

everything under the sun, remember? And the depression

and caving in of the spirit can come to everyone, even

God's own prophet Elijah felt that way, and prayed that

he might die, because "there is no one but myself that

worships God?". But God told him among other things

that there were 7,000 left that bowed the knee to Him.

We are never "alone", even though we feel that way

sometimes.

As for the "fat"... you just haven't found the right

way or you are ignoring what is making you fat, because

of your depression. Your "scorn" is coming from

yourself, so you have to learn to feel that you can

accomplish in spite of the fat. I am fat too,

uncomfortably so. But I finally gave up because my

husband is thin and he will eat only one way. So... I

learned to live with it, and at 82 there is no need to

fight it. Find a congregation, and go worship God, not

the people that are attending there. Take up His yoke,

and LEARN of Him; His yoke is easy..ie. the gospel...

and His burden is light, for He carries it if you learn

of Him. The gospel is beautiful, and His Word is

exciting and interesting, if you but seek first His

Kingdom.

If you are "Christian" you have not lost it all, but

you just need to re-vamp your life. Do you "blame" God

for it? Do you honestly believe He "picks" on you?

God doesn't WANT you to suffer... He wants you to learn

and obey, and because He loves you, He allows

chastisement and discipline. Look around you... do

you see that you have to bear any more than is common

to man? We all lose family; we all feel useless

sometimes; we all have to bear trials and tribulations.

We all feel that rest MUST come, and soon or we shall

even lose our own souls. But Satan is the prince of

this world, and we have to live in it, but we are not

"part of this world" because we as Christians belong to

God, and we have to learn to cope with it even as the

first century Christians had to cope with all the

atrocities and brutalities and endure to the end. What

you might have or have not done is not the question.

You must strive to yield to His Will and forget the

past. You may not find the happiness that "you think

you want", but you can find His Peace that supercedes

all understanding.

Prayers are going up for you, but you must yield and

send you prayers too, because they are a sweet savor to

our Lord. He hears, but we must wait on the Lord for

His time and His Will. After you learn and establish

yourself, you will become a strength to someone else.

It always works that way. Believe it.

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses all knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of the fullness of God.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:14-21 (NIV)

Hold on to God, he will never abandon or leave you. Whatever happens don't let go of his hand and you will come out on the other side. He will see you through. He cares so deeply for you.

I will be praying for you.

Please know that I am praying for you.

I too at one time felt God was picking on me and felt like He was ready to punish me.

I have had a hard long road but have learned a few things along the way. Now I have the opportunity to help other hurting women.

You are not a mistake in this world. You have an enemy who is trying to destroy you. His name is Satan.

You were made in the image of God. Because of that you were created great. You are wonderfully made.

But you have an enemy that does not want you to know that and he has been attacking you from the time you came out of your mother's womb.
He uses family members to reject us and friends to abandon us and situations to pull us as low as he can. Why? Because if you ever get even a glimps of the person God really created (A princess- because your father is the King)then you will shine. He does not want you to shine. He wants you all covered with self hatred and unworthiness. He wants you to think that this life has nothing to offer because then you will only exist instead of live.

He knows what to use to keep you there.
He is ike a prowling lion, seeking who he may devour.
I Peter 5:8

He has come to steal, kill and destroy but Chirst came to give you life, life abundantly.

Satan has been stealing your joy, killing your heart and destroying your life.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed: perplexed but not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed.
II Cor. 4:8-9

Girl, you get that armor back on and you fight.
Your family is not the enemy even though it feels like it.
Those people at church are not the enemy even though they hurt there wounded.
Satan is the enemy and he is only using those people.

You have been through so much and your heart is hurting but what Satan meant for evil, God ment for God.

Don't give up on God, He did not do this to you. He may have allowed Satan to get his grubby fingers in there but you trust God with what ever faith you can muster up because he will turn things into good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

Look at the story of Job in the Bible. Or even the Story of Joseph. (Genesis 37 through 41)

Don't let Satan win by just existing. You have an army or prayer warriors praying for you.
Talk to someone. Talk to me. But don't you dare just exist. You were not created to just exist.

You can win!

Wow! Pam, thanks for the reminder!

Such wonderful encouragement from these sisters! I'll say "Amen" to what they have said, send you my "virtual" hug, and add some verses that are favorites of mine. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your path." Proverbs 3:5, 6 Keep what has been written here in front of you, read it over whenever you begin to feel discouraged, talk to our Heavenly Father, and remember that many women are bringing you to Him as well!
Blessings, wisdom, love & laughter!