Going into to school with my wife to talk to the head of year but i'm struggling to think of anything constructive I could suggest to the school.

My daughter says she doesn't want to move class or half of the year.

Any advice would be welcome.

Hi Daz,

The advice I was given from CAHMS many years ago, was for my daughter to try a part-time timetable, only going in for her favourite subjects.

I sat with the Head of Year, my daughter and her timetable. We crossed out all the subjects my daughter didnt like, then all the subjects she wasnt happy about, ie PE, Science, leaving just a two or three that she felt comfortable with, this made my daughter feel as if she had a little control over things. The Head of Year also allowed my daughters closest friend to meet her at Reception and walk to the lesson with her, this helped a lot.

It wasn't the answer to all her problems but it was a good start as she managed to go in for these few lessons for a while.

Good luck Daz, I'm sure the school have come across this or something similar, so they may have ideas of their own to help you both.

Hope it helps.

Sue x

Hi Daz

I agree with Sue, part time timetable may be good, also having some where your daughter can go if she starts to feel stressed, my son could go to the support base and sit there for a while to help him calm down. I also think that you need to stress to head of year that you can't predict how your daughter will be from one day to the next, if she goes into class one day, it doesn't mean she will go in the next. My son is sitting with me just now and I asked him for some suggestions, he said the worst thing you can do is try and force her into class, it only makes things so much worse, a few times his head of year forced him into class and he lost all trust in her and refused to go into the school building for a while after that. Unfortunately you need to take things very slowly, at your daughter's pace........................ hope this helps a bit and good luck with the meeting.

Take care
Dorothy x

Daz,

1. You know you are not alone - others are struggling with this issue, so the school may well have other families in a similar situation. So the head of year should have some experience of the difficulties your child faces. Ask what solutions have worked previously.
2. Don't go in on the defensive. You are doing the best for your child - not enough, and not well enough (I am guessing that's how you feel, based on my personal experience), but you need the school's help to do better.
3. Ask if there is co-ordination between the school nurse/health team and the education team, and how this supports your child.
4. Make sure you arrange a follow up meeting. You do not want to come away with a plan that sees you through to the end of term, but has no strategy for next year.
5. Sue and Dorothy, as always(!), give good advice.
6. Check someone is keeping notes, and ask to be copied in.

Daz, we are all rooting for you on this one!

Simon

One thing that I asked of the school was not to phone me to tell me my daughter was not in school - I knew exactly where she was - and it wasn't playing truant. I explained that it was quite stressful for me to recieve these calls whilst I was at work. They understood and agreed not to contact me. In return, I would keep them informed by way of email to the Head of Year. I just write a short note....J is unable to be at school this morning. Hopefully she will be able to get into school this afternoon. If not, we will try again tommorow' that sort of thing. I found this really helpful because there are some days when the last thing you want to do is have yet another conversation on the phone where you feel you have to justify why your child can't face things that day.

A part time timetable is an excellent idea. The mistake we made though was to agree that an afternoon timetable would suit our daughter because she found the mornings so tricky. It didn't work for us. she didn't have the motivation to get up and then didnt go at all. The paediatrician advised us to ask for a morning only timetable, to my daughters initial horror, but he was very good at explaining that she wasnt a shift worker and needed to get her body into a 'normal' routine.
What in fact happened was that my daughter got herself up, knowing that she could come home at lunchtime and ended up staying all day everyday for 5 weeks. Although she has slipped a little now, she still maintains the getting up routine and now usually manages to get into school for some part of the day on most days.
I agree that whatever agreements you arrive at, book a review appointment in a few weeks time.
Good luck,
Penny x

School meeting went well and the head of year was very sympathetic. Have agreed that Marie will try and go to school next Tuesday when she likes most of the lessons.

Took Marie to the counsellor for the first time afterwards and again that seemed to go very well. We stayed with her for the first half then left her for the second half and she seemed happy.

So all-in-all a good day, though we had to buy her the turtle we had promised her for going.

What can we bribe her with to go to school on Tuesday ?

Thanks for everyones advice on this thread.

My daughter is already saying that she didn't agree to go to school next Tuesday and saying that she won't be going.

CAMHS are coming to our house next Tuesday to see us but not Marie.

Not sure what to do next. Should I encourage Marie to go see the counsellor again ? How much should we try to get her to school next Tuesday?

Hi Daz,

It happened to me constantly, my daughter would say she would try to go, then nearer the time she would say she wasn't going. I'm sure its happened to all of us, its part of being a School Refuser.

When it first happened I tried to talk about it, gently pushing her etc but eventually, over time I found it best not to talk about it at all, as it would make us both so stressed, besides there was not need, she was well aware what we all wanted her to do, as it was on her mind all the time.
The day before the proposed day, I would just mention that hopefully she would try to go in, but if she couldn't it didn't matter. I wouldn't say another word about it, just keep things calm and see what happened the next morning.

Gradually you will be able to read the signs and know if she would be able to go in or not and as Penny and I have mentioned previously, we had a name for their bad days. Penny's were called Duvet days and ours were called Blip days. It would make it so much easier for our young ones to say they were having a 'duvet/blip' day rather than have to explain how they felt everytime.

I think, as we've said before, the secret is to accept how things are, accept they cannot go to school and try to keep things as calm as you can.

My daughter saw a counsellor on and off throughout her 5 years of School Refusal and she felt it helped. Eventually, a few months ago, said she felt it had gone as far as it could and she wanted to stop. I found it a great step forward because she had come to the decision by herself and was ready to move on. It may not be what your daughter needs but we found it helpful.

Explain things to CAHMS when they come to your house and see if they have any advice for you. I'm sure they will.

Take each day as it comes Daz and try not to worry too much, both you and your daughter will find a way to get through this, just stick together, she needs you on her side.

Good Luck.

Sue x

Hi Daz

My heart really does go out to you, I know exactly what you are going through and how desperate you feel, I've been there, all we can do is advise you but unfortunately you have to go through all the steps. CAMHS came to our house at the start of all this, to see our son, he wouldn't even come out of his bedroom. At every meeting we had our son was so up beat and agreed to every suggestion, agreed that he would try and come to school on certain days and at certain times and I would think " great, this will happen", but sadly most of the time it didn't, but I've learned over the months and years that my son really beleived he would do it but when it came to it...................

I've just let him read your message and he has a few pointers, CAHMS coming to the house is a huge no no, even if its not to see your daughter, he said that home is the only place that he can feel completely at ease and safe.

He feels that you should try and encourage her to see the councillor, it does help.

He feels that you should use gentle encouragement to try and get her into school, in the early days I would shout, threaten,force, generally do anything I could to try and get him into school, he said this was the worst thing I could do as he felt so bad about not going into school that it made it so much worse, he always feels that he is letting us down by not going to school ( even though I try to assure him that he's not ).

I know it is still early days for you and you have a long road ahead of you, I think most people on this site will agree with me, it wasn't until I started to accept that the hopes and dreams I had for my son had to change, and I learned to accept what we now had, only then did things start to improve. This didn't come easy, I had to reach rock bottom before I could start to climb up and start to deal with things as they now are, life for us is far from perfect and our son still does not go to school, but he is much happier than he was even a year ago, sometimes I was so scared to leave him because his mood was so low. Education is so important, but the well being and happiness of our children is so much more important, this is there childhood, I want my son to look back on this time with happy memories and not be dominated with school.

I think what I'm really trying to say is that this is a long and rocky road you are facing, we don't have all the answers, but you have so much support here from people who know exactly what you are going through.

Take care
Dorothy x

Hi All,

Dorothy, you put it so well, my life has been EXACTLY the same as yours and my daughter has acted EXACTLY the same way as your son. She has often said how bad she feels putting me through this but just can't help herself and has absolutely no idea why it has happened or why she feels the way she does and she also said that when I took the pressure off her she felt more able to cope. I'm guessing your daughter is feeling the same Daz.

Daz you do have a long road to travel but 'acceptance' is the way to go, don't fight it and try to make your daughter like everyone else. She isn't like everyone else, she is her own person.
Your daughter will get there, she may not travel the same educational road as others but she will get there. I promise.

We are all here for you.

Take care,

Sue x

Daz,
Sue and Dorothy have said it all, I have nothing to add other than to wish you good luck with CAMHS on Tueday, and if Marie can't get into school on Tuesday then so be it. I believe that we can only deal with one thing at a time and tueday is for you and your wife to be able to express your concerns and ask for advice when camhs visit.

Dorothy, your son sounds like a very sensible, mature young man.

Penny x

Penny

My son said thank you.

I'm not sure I am doing the right thing letting my son read the messages, but I think it has helped him to realise that there are other children out there with the same problem and that he is not alone.

Take care
Dorothy x

Hi Dorothy,

I think its lovely that your son reads the messages and you both chat about it. Communication is good!! Who's to say if its right or not but if it feels right for you two, then I think its ok.

I comment about things that are said on here but my daughter tends to shy away, she said to me recently that when she goes to college, she wants to put all this behind her and I think that when I talk about the site, it brings back bad memories for her. So I shall continue to chat to you all on here and help in any way I can but keep it to myself from now on. We all have to do what's best for our families don't we?

As Penny said earlier Dorothy, you son sounds lovely, you must be very proud of him. In fact we should all be proud of our brilliant youngsters, they have it pretty tough but still seem to be well adjusted through it all. Hooray to them!

Keep smiling everyone!

Sue x

Hi Sue

Thanks, I am proud of him, he does talk freely during the week, but at weekends and holidays he just wants to forget all about school and he does ask me not to talk about it, but as you say all our children are amazing, they are going through so much at the moment, we just have to be here for them the best we can, this site certainly helps us.

Hope you all have a great weekend

Take care
Dorothy x

Daz - Penny Sue and Dorothy have said it all really - stay strong for your daughter. I am a huge fan of CAMHS now - originally we saw a psycologist who I felt didn't really understand and then changed to a family therapist who is teriffic and supports us both as he feels that I need help to support my son rather than getting stressed all the time. When they come to see you they will want a clear picture of what is happening - if your daughter is there it can be more difficult to talk, and if your daughter is anything like my son he used say and agree to anything to get them off his back. One thing I would ask them is how much expereince do they have in dealing with school refusers that can make a huge difference.

My son is also interested in this forum and I do talk to him about the postings - one thing he just asked was - what happens to the kids that don't have supportive parents in situations like this ?

Hope you all have a good bank holiday weekend and stay in touch.

Sarah T xx

It's Tuesday and as predicted my daughter is refusing to go to school.

The CAMHS meeting is actually on Thursday not Tuesday as I stated earlier.

Sometimes I think there's nothing wrong with Marie and she's just being stubborn in refusing to go to school.

Hi guys

same here, my son has got a meeting with councillor and I'm struggling to get him out of bed.............................funny how we turn to this site...................

Take care
Dorothy x

Hi everyone

managed to get him in car and down to school, but couldn't get him out car, councillor came out to car and chatted to him, I know he is struggling..... so am I....she said that all we can do at the moment is support him.......... we have came back home and he is so down, I feel we are way back now, its been so ling since he has been at school, I really don't see a way forward at the moment, if only we could take our own advice......................

thanks for listnening every one and good luck for today.

Take care
Dorothy x

Hi Daz,

I was in exactly the same place as you back in November - absolutely desperate. My son is 12 and had always enjoyed junior school although has always been a worrier....The move to a new school and not really knowing anyone was just too much. After 6 weeks of pure hell, through the advice of people on this website, I removed all pressure, found a fantastic therapist (she currently has 12 school refusers on her books and that is only in SW London) and he is now back at school. We started with a reduced timetable back in Feb and the last week before the easter holidays, he attended 3 full days. Easter break was great, saw alot of his new school friends but then unfortunately, I was stranded in Europe with my daughter for the start of this term BUT, suprisingly, my husband got him to school for the first day and then he stayed at home for two days until I got back. He managed last week missing one or two lessons(he goes to see the nurse if he is feeling shakey) and then this morning couldn't get out of bed. It turns out he was worried about athletics this afternoon - he is a sports scholar and thinks he is not very fit at the moment and was worried about not winning the races!! But he has now gone in....I would suggest it is very important to get the right therapist, she was the 2nd therapist we tried and we have to pay for her but it is worth it. My son knew instantly, that she 'got him'. She even came into the school to talk to them with my son and that is how we came up with the reduced timetable. We have been very lucky as the boys in his school have been very kind and supportive - they just think he has been ill with viruses etc. But what I am trying to say is although we are not out of the woods yet, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I feel we were lucky enough to get the right therapist early on and my son told me this morning he was 90% better. My son didn't begin to even think about going back to school until he felt my husband and I understood his anxiety and realised he was not just being stubborn. Anxiety is an illness and we forget that. Our therapist says that you wouldn't make a child with a broken leg walk on it so why make an anxious child go to school when their anxiety is overwhelming. They need to rest and that means no pressure. Once this happens, they can begin to get better. I also think the therapist needs to work with the whole family as my husband and I have had to change the way we talk to him. What is the use of an hours therapy for your daughter if us the parents are using the wrong language for the rest of the time!

Good luck, She can get better, I promise....

To Dorothys son

Hi mate - how are you ? do you want me to e-mail my mobile number to ur mums e-mail address so we can text ?

be gud 2 talk

Sarah's son