My daughter did not make it into school today.

This evening I asked her if she felt she needed more support than camhs were giving i.e maybe a private therapist that she may feel more able to speak with. She flew into a rage saying that she would rather have the money for clothes and to poke my nose into someone elses business because I just make her feel bad all the time. I explained (or tried to) that I wasnt making an issue about not going to school today but just wanted to know if she felt she needed extra support.
She said she would sort herself out and would make a fresh start tommorow. (oh, how many times has she said this over the last 2 years!)

She said that she didnt know what my problem was. If she doesnt go to school, thats her business, its nothing to do with me.

I just feel so lost. I dont seem to have a relationship with her that others have with their children. She doesnt agree that her problem is school refusal at all. or indeed that she has any problem at all. She thinks that I am the one with a problem and I should sort myself out.

Help!
Penny x

Hi Penny

I have been there too - my son used to fly into a rage for no particular reason - this is their anxiety as they are frightened. They will blame anyone but themselves and a bet every parent on the site will agree. Now that I have accepted that he may never get back to school the pressure is off him and our relationship is so much better. Don't get me wrong I would love him to go back but i have to be realistic.

Please dont get upset - easier said than done - you are doing a great job, you are a good Mum who is trying her best.

Take care

Sarah T xx

Oh! This sounds so familiar! We were just like that 2 years ago. We think we are doing the best for our child, and just get shouted at for our efforts. And it is so hard to respond without getting angry.

Now-a-days, we just get the silent treatment, like this morning. However, we did get our daughter in by lunchtime - but maybe just because there was a school trip in the afternoon! Money changed hands. Again.

Sounds like it has been a bad day all round! But Sarah's son is maybe our bit of cheer for today.

Hang on Penny! We are all rooting for you.

Thanks for that Simon, but my son doesn't go back til tomorrow so my blog tomorrow might be different. On a lighter note to make you laugh my youngest son is in trouble for throwing a wet paper towel at the loo wall at school - wish his brother went to do it !!

Sarah T

How many times have I said that. when my friends complain about what their kids get up to at school, I remind them that at least their kids go to school, I look forward to the day I get a call from school tolet me know that my son has been up to no good..................

Take care
Dorothy x

Hi Penny,

Don't worry, its happened to me to over the years. Its awful when you feel you are doing your best and it just gets thrown back at you.

We've always had a fairly good relationship but its certainly improved since I accepted how things were and that she may never go back to school, which is also what Sarah T said, so maybe its time to just let things go a little. Take ALL pressure off and don't even talk about it unless she does. I've found that the less I talk about it, the more open and relaxed my daughter has become and a lot more willing to try things of her own accord.

Ive just mentioned your message to my daughter (aged 15 year 11) and she said to tell you that she feels so much better now that she has stopped seeing the counsellor and most of the tutoring has stopped and its not such a 'big thing' in the house now. She says its great that we act like a 'normal' family and this makes her feel 'normal'. She feels more able to get on with studying herself etc.

I know its not easy but try to 'chill' a little and make friends with your daughter again. Fight this together and try and have a giggle along the way.

Here's a HUG for both of you.

Sue x

Thankyou everyone for your replies.

What has really upset me is that I really thought I had totally backed off.
I have said on here many times about just accepting the situation and thing will improve and I really thought i was practising what I was preaching. Maybe that little nudge was just too much but it seemed such a gentle suggestion to me.

Thank you to Sue's daughter, Mine is 16 (year 11, soon to be year 11 again, her choice) for your advice. I am glad some of the young people are joining in with either advice or opinions, it is helping me to see things from their perspective.

Penny x

well here we are a week later and things are getting worse. By that I mean the days of non attendance at school are greater than the days my daughter makes it in. Now I know I should be grateful that she goes in some days or half days at all but I am very frustrated that there are days where it appears to suit her better to go to school, i.e a trip or something going on after school with her friends. She has said she really feels poorly at the moment but seems absolutely fine and very bouncy in the afternoons. She is now refusing to give us her laptop at night saying that we should trust her not to be talking to her friends in the early hours and also will not give up her phone. I have noticed from her phone bill online that the past two nights she has sent a text message to a friend at 1.00am. She does not appear to want to take responsibility for getting a good nights sleep or indeed to get herself up in the mornings. No wonder she is tired and doesnt want to go to school if she' awake in the night. We just cant get her to see tht she is not helping herself at all. I am trying so hard to stay positive when all I really want to do is scream.
Penny x

Hi Penny,

Sorry to hear things are not going so well at the moment. Try to build on what you both have, at least your daughter is managing to go to school occasionally.

All teenagers are attached to their phones and laptops nowadays, it just seems to be the way of the world, why take them away from her, what will it prove? We all know that School Refusers are pretty fragile emotionally and she may just feel you are punishing her, rather than trusting her to go into school when she can and it may make her feel so bad about herself that she wont be able to go in at all. Don’t give her an excuse to stop communicating with you.

My daughter doesn’t go into school at all now but I would never take away her link to the outside world. My friend’s daughter goes to school every day and gets straight A’s but she chats to friends at all hours on her laptop and texts at odd times of the day and night. What I’m trying to say is that it just seems to be the way teenagers do things nowadays.

Don’t be so hard on yourself, you are a good mum, look how far you’ve both come!

Take a step back, stay calm and if you have to scream ….. do it quietly!

Take care Penny..

Sue x

Hi girls

Penny sorry to hear things are not going well at the moment, sorry I can't offer any advice at the moment as my son has not been in at scholl at all, he won't even see the tutor at home, not really sure where to go from here.

Sue
You said that your daughter doesn't go to school at all either, how long has this been? does she have tutors at home? how is her social life? Sorry youv'e probably told us this but my head is all over the place just now.

Take care
Dorothy x

Hi Penny

Sorry to hear things aren't going so well, but I have to agree with Sue I personally think that cutting off all communication isn't the answer but I don't know what is ? I have had so many different conflicting lots of advise on what to do I just wish there was a manual to help us. When my son started to refuse I was awful with him, I'd scream and shout and just go into meltdown - all this infornt of his younger brother - great !! but over time I have almost admitted defeat that he won't go to school - he can't so things are so much calmer for us all. He is off to the unit this afternoon for his "home education" and he is again going to ask for more hours so please keep your fingers crossed for him as he really enjoys the quiet environment. Dorothy I think our sons text yesterday ? I didn't get to know until I was running out of the door this morning so will find out more later but he was quite chuffed.

keep your chins up - we are all doing our best and we are good Mums as we wouldn't be trying to help our children.

Sue - wish your daughter good luck with college and I'll drop you a line later.

Sarah T xx

Oooooooooops - apologies Simon and Daz - good Dads as well !!

Sarah T x

If you don't laugh you'd cry - as if we haven't enough. Hope the exams go well - post later and let us all know how it all went.

Sarah T

thanks for all the replies they are all so helpful. There are some days when its just gets me down so much.
Now today, I have a very different girl, who got up this morning (eventually, and I was late for work which causes me a problem and the children I teach) went into school for a whole day and is positively buzzing and has agreed that she feels sooooo much better when she goes to school but just finds the getting up and motivated so hard.

I do not make a fuss when she doesnt go but I do push her later on to talk about how she's feeling.I just wish I could let go.

Penny x

Hi Everyone,

Its seems to be a better day all round!

My daughter had her college interview today. She thought it may last about an hour but she came out two and a half hours later, after having to do a questionaire, a 500 word written piece, a still life drawing and a verbal interview! For the first time ever, she felt she may have done ok and if she is offered the place she would like to go!
So hang in there everyone, things change daily as we know and I guess there's every chance we may get a happy ending after all.

Good Luck all you mums and dads, you're doing a great job!

Sue x

That's great news, Sue.

Glad exam day went well, Simon

Hi Simon,

Yes it was for an Art and Design course. My daughter loves art and she is at her most relaxed when drawing.
She has already had an interview at another college for a Fashion Promotion course, that just involved a 10 minutes chat with the college tutor, but she was much more nervous at that one. She said she felt maybe that course was a little out of her depth but she feels she is more suited to this one. Tomorrow and Friday she has two 5 hour Art GCSE exams and isn't nervous at all. Isn't it amazing?! I guess when they find their niche in life the anxieties are a little easier to control.

Oh by the way, my daughter said she liked the fact that I didnt talk about the interview. I just let her get on with it and said I was here if she needed any advice. I wrote out a few questions and answers about why she was home tutored, in case she was asked, as she said it made her uncomfortable when asked about it, as she didnt know what to say ....... I just left them for her to read.

Well done with the exams and Good Luck with the interview.

Sue x

Hi all
glad that everyone has had a good day - well done everyone !! We are still waiting to see if my son can get more hours at the unit, he had a really good lesson today - and looking forward to tomorrow. I did nearly have a meltdown earlier though - my youngest son's birthday and SATS week. Anyway he came out of school having fallen out with his best friend - been and got a novelty birthday cake - opened it and it was crawling with ants - fetched a McDonalds and they put relish on which he hates ( even though i asked from no relish ) LOL - Apologies as this as nothing to do with school refusal but i'd like to think we are all friends.

I think that if i wasn't on pain killers for a trapped nerve i'd get drunk !!

Take care everyone

Sarah T xx

Sarah T, sometimes its good to talk about things other than SR and oh, don't worry, I'll have a large glass of red on your behalf

Penny x