Hi Ginny

I spent many years coaxing, cajoling and encouraging...it was highly stressful and took a lot out of both of us. It resulted in some weeks of averaging 2-3 days and other weeks turning into weeks and weeks of non attendance. If I had my way again, I would not have done that for so long. There was a lot of pressure from others and my ex and this meant I felt compelled to keep doing this. It was totally draining and my health also suffered.

I was told that if I didn't do this he'd never get an education. I am not convinced.I think you do what you can for as long as you can and only keep going if the outcome is that your son re engages. If it is just you doing this day in, day out, with little to no success, then you have to change direction and find other ways to educate your son. Education is not everything, but your son's mental health is.

For some home schooling is the answer (and I have never heard of any negative outcomes of this approach - quite the opposite), for us I finally made the decision that my son would do on line schooling, and for others, groups like Red Balloon or other small educational support groups are the answer. Sometimes having tutors through one year helps you decide what to do the next year.
It is all very well for schools and psychologists to say you have to keep on pushing, but the truth is, it takes its toll on you and your son. I don't think school refusal kids can feel able to go back to school unless they are on medication that works or have been able to work through cognitive behaviour therapy to manage their anxiety. If non of those are in place, then best to stop pushing.
I hope this makes sense. I have rambled on a bit!
Let us know how CAMHS goes.
Take care of your own health.
Linda

Hi Ginny

I hope you don't mind me replying.
I'm in exactly the same boat. My son who is 7 is refusing to go to school.

I also don't know what to do.. I've banned the iPad this week as yesterday he wouldn't go out with the family either. So we've been sat in silence all day.. Other than when he's reading and doing a bit of writing. I've tried doing his school work with him to no avail.

He's still in his pants as refuses to put his uniform on.

I don't know whether to do the morning school routine each day.. Trying to get him dressed and ready or not. Do I keep trying to persuade him every hour to go to school?
Do I let him play with toys and watch TV?

Which I expect are the same questions you have.


School head is supportive and says to not push, just try to get him in if only for 15 minutes. But he won't agree to that either.

:/
Feeling lost

Hi Katie

My son was young, like yours, when this started. I remember yelling and crying a lot too!! Make sure the teachers treat this as anxiety, even if he seems fine at school (they get good at bottling it in).
Has there been any bullying? There is often no obvious cause.

Don't force...but you can keep on encouraging at his age, unless you want to home school? Don't try after school has gone in, he won't want to turn up late and have everyone look at him, and it will just wear you both down.
Travelling to school with a friend can help. Going to the school grounds when no kids are there..to ride a bike, kick a ball etc.
The more support you can get at this young age, the better chances of going back fo school.

It can be a long and bumpy road, so make sure you take time out for yourself, and also spend a lot of time building your sons confidence outside of school. Look up cognitive behaviour techniques and try to work through them with your son. Gerting him to change his thinking can really help him to move forward. There are some books around and I think mentioned in the resource section on this site.

Can you get him to join a club? Is he interested in any sports? Other activities?

Taking away technology doesn't seem to have worked for me or others on the forum, I think basically because they can't help how they are...so punishment only works if it is a behaviour issue but as it is an anxiety/mental health issue, then it has no impact. Mind you...I'd ban iPads for all kids if I could, as fhey are addictive!,
Maybe say you'll give if back if he helps you do something specific, or does some reading or writing etc. He probably doesn't want to socialise at the moment with family as family do have a habit of asking kids how school is or making them feel guilty by saying "you have to go to school'" or "why arn't you going to school?". Keep encouraging but perhaos word up the family not to mention school?
Good luck...but come on here any time as others know just how you are feeling and might have some further ideas for you of what worked for them. You are doing a good job in trying circumstances. Anxiety is a very misunderstood mental health issue and makes it difficult for parents. Your son can't help how he feels and will be feeling pretty bad about everything. So embrace him shere he is and accept he has this.
Hang in there,
Linda