school refusers
a resource for parents
Hi Linda
New to this forum, so I don't know your full story but your post rang similarities in circumstance.
My daughter is only 14 and I have given serious consideration to giving up on school and her working. With the school telling me they cant cope with her - I asked them the question what should I do, keep her at home? They replied they did not know what I should do !! Pushed between CAMHS / SCHOOL / DOCTOR yet noone has a solution.
My daughter had a fantastic little part time eve/WE job (from a friend) for a short time over Christmas in a restaurant , which she loved and it gave her independence which I sadly had to stop as the hours were late in evening and affected sleep / attendance.
I am just now going through the process of trying to get her a work permit to work in a small local cafe (again another friend of a friend) she completed a free 2 hour trial and they were very impressed with how mature she was and polite for her age. I am hoping that the school will grant the permit (as attendance must be about 30% at present) which could affect this. My daughter is money hungry so she can buy the make up brands she loves and make her feel good about herself.
I just wondered if your son had a part time job he enjoyed, and an independent income it might inspire him to move forward with continued education and form life goals. Having a job is brilliant for self esteem and it definitely improved my daughters outlook on life.
K x
Thanks Karen and Kelly
My son was late today but travelled on the train to the city but then sent me a text to say he just couldn't face go into the class. So another week...
I have told him he has to make a decision, either do year 12 and get doing the work at home (hasn't done any) or quit and do it full time next year (get part time job this year) or forget it altogether and try and get into university or college as a mature age student.
I am just incredibly frustrated as he keeps saying it is his choice, decision, call etc and then falls completely into avoidance mode and leaves us both hanging mid air, not knowing what will happen. I am not sure, with his anxiety, if he is actually capable of such a big decision. I managed to get in contact with his teachers and one has given him work to do to catch up and six hours after returning home and he hasn't even read her email.
Unfortunately this avoidance behaviour has been building and building over the years and now just seems to run the whole show.
He refuses to see a counsellor or psychologist, refuses to discuss medication with the doctor and refused to see the school support worker.
Perhaps this is his way of saying he can't do the school thing any more. It is sad as he is a bright kid and capable of doing some terrific work. Anxiety and depression are just awful things.
He seems to be in a better place than he was a few years ago and has interests in film and comedy and music...but I think not having friends has made the recovery jusf so much harder.
I think if any of you can try and get your son/ daughter to keep in contact with their friends, even if just on line, it is a vital step on how well they move forward. When they start to recover, they have peer support and peer interaction. If they loose that, like my son did, then it is a lonely road for them and I think it just drags them down again. My son would have been better to have remained at his original school, had we had the support. Changing schools has meant the loss of friends and trying to make new ones when you have social anxiety becomes impossible.
Keeping up interests outside school is vital. This is the only thing keeping my son on some kind of track right now. Don't let school become the only focus in your lives.
We are hanging in there but only by a thread right now!!
I will let you know what decisions are made as the week progresses. Sorry I don't have the energy to offer as much support to you all right now, but am so glad you understand. Thanks
Linda
Hi Linda and all,
Sorry to here your back to the battlefield again ....
Yet another day of son hiding under bed, yet another battle. So frustrating. I feel all your pain it's so tiring. You think maybe this week but no the same old from week to week. Education department saying CAMHS need to deal with it. CAMHS saying need education to deal .... if they can't d decide what hope do I have.
At least we can rant away on here.
Positive thoughts to all x
Thanks.
You poor thing...I know how you feel. Just so draining and then we have to try again next day!!
We rely on others for support and if cahms and the education dept can't get their act together for you, they are no help at all.
Can you get any private help?
Your poor son must be sick of hiding under the bed. Has he been diagnosed by cahms? They should be having more input but seems they do vary from area to area. Have you tried getting in touch with parent partnership?
Hang in there...we're all on this road together!
Linda
Linda,
I have three children - 17, 15 and 12 and although I wouldn't swap them for the World, they are all problematic. It's my 15 year old girl who is school refusing in earnest and my 12 year old boy who used to but is now statemented for ASD and attends an SRB base. My 17 year old boy school-refused on and off and it was a miracle that he went in for his GCSEs last year. He is at Music College now but has no drive or enjoyment, he is depressed and on anti-depressants and he threatens suicide. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed by it all, and wonder how my husband and I have managed to bring up 100% of our children like this. When you first have them, you sort of think that love and a sense of humour will counter anything, don't you? But the one thing I have got better at over time is realising that it is one step forward, two steps back. Setbacks happen and you just have to ride them out.
Thanks for reminding us :)
Best,
B
Hi B
You really do have it tough! I am sure you often wonder...why? And I can't help asking the same question when so many of us seem to have kids that are struggling in this way. My son was a happy, social and confident toddler. I often wonder what changed One day someone will figure it out, but meanwhile...we will all just have to work with what we have and do our best. And it sounds like you are doing your very best for all your kids.
I wonder if your son just kind of got burnt out with the effort he had to put in to attend school? I think that is how my son feels.
Does your son have any friends? My son no longer has friends (had good friends at primary school but they went to different schools and lost touch) and I think that makes attending anywhere difficult.
Thanks for reading my post. I have to remind myself of those ideas sometimes.
Is your son keeping up with the attendance and the work,or is that falling by the wayside as well? Hard to be motivated when depressed. Has he been on this medication for long? Has he tried different ones? My son's first medication didn't do much but this new one has helped, but obviously not completely.
Look after yourself.
Linda xx
Hello Linda,
On the other hand, the three of them get on like a house on fire and I imagine there are some parents who would kill to be able to say that ;)
My son was not sociable as a toddler. I knew quite early on that he had issues. He was in a world of his own, would 'scan' Lego bricks from one side of his face to the other for hours at a time and cry when you picked him up to comfort him, until you put him down when he comforted himself. But I thought he was coping because he got better at cuddling and because he was intelligent and we didn't yet have experience, we didn't get him checked out when we ought to have done because we thought he was adapting OK.
I am sorry your son doesn't have any friends. It feels worrying, I know, it's probably my biggest concern for all three of mine. My son is the DM of an unofficial role playing gaming group so he has a couple whom he sees every now and then. I cling to that. Apart from that, no, he never goes out or has any sort of social life.
His attendance is patchy. I believe his biggest issue is his lack of belief in a future. He also has a very closed mind set and unusual fears - he avoids crossing roads and refuses to learn to drive. Some of that is down to his issues but I must say that I believe children today have a very difficult world to grow up in, emotionally speaking - that it is far harder for a child with sensitivities or problems today to emerge unscathed than it was when I was at school.
He has been on citalopram for two months - he was on Fluoxetine before that but he came up in hives - and he says it has made no difference but I believe it has made a little. Luckily, he will let me go into the Doctor with him if I walk him down and get him in the right mood first. I find that one of the biggest issues is that as soon as he turned 16, he could refuse my input if he wanted so I have to be quite careful!
I hope things improve for you. It's hard, I know. But like we said, you win some, you lose some. Yesterday, I went to my daughter's school, ready for a showdown if necessary, and they took the wind out of my sails. They have agreed to pay for her to go twice a week to a special school and also to do everything they can to speed up her assessment process. Roll on the up-sides for us all :)
Best,
B
Hi B
That is a really good to hear, and glad you have some positives in the difficult times.
Do you think your son might have aspergers? What instruments/s does he play?
My son was on fluvoxamine and now on sertraline.
I just asked my son again today about driving lessons (which I thought might be good if he is not at school) but he says he never wants to drive....so similar to your son. My son says it has absolutley nothing to do with anxiety, but why the aversion then.
I think my son sometimes mixes up something he thinks he just doesn't like when it is really the anxiety speaking.
I do hope your son feels a bit more connected at some stage soon. And good luck for your daughter, your school sounds quite supportive. Let us know how things go.
Linda
Hi Linda
Just wanted to say sorry that things haven't been going so well for you and your son. My son is getting assessed for aspergers now so I think he will get more help if the result comes out positive. Maybe a job for your son would boost his confidence and he would be around people as well. I really hope things work out for him.
I am resigned to the fact now that school and qualifcations may not be the right thing for my son because of the pressure it causes him...I will just be happy if he gets a shop job at the end of the day..even if its not what I had hoped for him.
Fi
Hi Fi
Thanks for your comments re my son and all the best for your son. Have you always suspected Aspergers? You have wise words - we all have certain expectations of our kids as they grow but they do need to alter and change with our kid's needs.
My son has unfortunately been taking - 'not going to school' -as 'I don't have to do anything' and so is going to bed really really late and sleeping in most of the day. So no chance of getting a job yet. He also doesn't want a job that involves serving customers, such as local supermarket. I am encouraging him to get guitar lessons first as that might get him out of the house at least and give him some confidence and self esteem. He has been teaching himself and is very good - but needs to connect with others. His dad was not too pleased at all when we hadn't told him that there was no going back to school and is really really set on my son doing his final year next year. I hope he does too - but realistically - I have plan B in the back of my mind in case it doesn't work out - and that is to get a job of some kind. My son is of an age now, however, where he wants to be independent, but because of the anxiety, is unable to be completely independent. I am not sure what the balance is - but I just want him to do something, connect with others and be happy.
Let us know how the tests go and what happens from here on?
Take care
Linda xx
Hi! I haven't been on here for a while but have been reading the posts. I'm sorry to hear your struggling with your son, we are still battling along. Remember my post 15 year old son out of school nearly a year?
Unfortunately my son didn't go back to school, it has took a long time for him to get back to himself with the help of 6 months on fluroxetine. He was in a full on state of anxiety for most of the 2 years leading up to him completely not going to school. Then it took another 6 months to get help from Cahms due to long waiting lists.
He has been tutored at home since last May, which I never wanted for him long term, because of the fact he has now lost touch with his school friends. He still has one friend who comes round, but very infrequent, they have known each other a long time, he used to live on our street.
Also his older brother comes round.
My son is doing Maths, English & an IT course, the IT he is very good at & is doing an exam next week at home. Unfortunately he was messed about with the IT tutoring, a new guy started home tutoring but was constantly cancelling sessions and my son was ready to give up. I had to report him and a new tutor was sent to help get my son to exam standard. It's not fair that our children been through this, they shouldn't be messed about as well. The new tutor is really good though and my son likes him.
We have been having regular meetings at the local Connexions centre to discuss his next step when school finishes in May. He met one local training provider last month, I think k it was a bit overwhelming for him. He didn't like it. We had an appointment the other day with another, but I couldn't get him out of the car. He is struggling with the fact that he has no friends to go with and why would these places want him when he hasn't been in school. Plus he will not know anybody. We have another appointment next week to try again. You see the fact is now hr feeling a lot better in himself (he came off the fluoxetine by his choice about 5 weeks ago), he is sick of being at home alone all the time and wants somewhere to go but obviously is scared.
He still has a low level of anxiety, he still has sleepless nights worrying about everything, he was doing CBT therapy but he decided he wanted to stop it along with the medication. Most of the therapy he had already done on his own anyway like getting out of the house and his cousins birthdays were both last month, they were 3 & 13. He made himself go to the family celebrations, he had not been to my sister house for over a year!! So that was a major a accomplishment!!
I think he could do with more CBT to deal with his thought processes that cause him stress, but you can't force them can you!
I just want him to get back out there and do something he likes and make new friends. He has always been very sociable as a child and I hate seeing him on his own all the time.
Hi Tracy
I do hope your son goes ok with the exam coming up. And starts to find his way forward into his 'new' world. I think the safety of home makes it hard for them to take steps out into the real world. My son is in a similar position.
Do you think it was the time for him to come off the medication or do you think it might have helped the transition to what he does next? Sometimes people come off their medication because they are feeling better but forget that they are feeling better because of the medication. Its a tough one really.
And the great thing is that yiur son has been doing some subjecfs and is connecting with the tutors. And also an infrequent friend is better than no friends. It is so hard for them without their peers to be there when they do new things,isn't it. If they had a few friends, I think those steps would be easier. Vicious circle really. Let us know how your son goes.
My son still hasn't taken steps to think about a job. So I have asked him to try guitar lessons first. He is hanging back on that one too. He says he just doesn't feel like doing anything. I know we are both exhausted but I know I can't just let him do nothing for much longer or he won't be able to take steps to get out again. But how do I get him to make some decisons? He seems caught up in wanting to control things himself, but unable to make decisons or take steps. So then I have to start pushing and wonder if I need to actually choose the music school and the teacher and he just choose what day and time. His avoidance behaviour is very strong. His dad sees all doom and gloom and predicts he won't do anything with his life!! He is pushing him all the time to commit to doing his final year of schooling at a particular school next year and do it full time. I suspect this is just making my son avoid everything even more as from his perspective he is not ready and the thought of doing that next year makes him feel ill. I am not mentioning school as I think my son needs a complete break.
I just wish his dad was supportive of what I try to do instead of believing he is the only one who knows what is best. It creates tension that I could do without!
Take care Tracy, you are doing all you can and sounds like your son is really trying. Let us know how he progresses. I see many similaritie with my own son...lets hope they gain some courage to face these new steps in their lives.
All the best to everyone else too....you are all doing a good job in very trying circumstances. Hang in there!!
Linda xx
Hi everyone,
My son isn't getting better and now refuses to have any counselling and is in denial and avoidance mode. At 17 and not going to school or working....then motivation to do anything has evaporated. He often stays in bed all day, only getting up in time for dinner. He tells me to 'stop going on about it' when I talk about his health, either physical or mental. He is worse now that our cold weather has started down here (does anyone else notice their kids are worse in winter?)
He refused to write or help write a resume and cover letter for any part time jobs. I suspect this is becuase he just doesn't want a job because he feels so bad. So I wrote it and managed to get him, with much trauma, to drop it in to a supermarket for after hours packing. But we have heard nothing. We have had doctor's appointments but when the time comes he refuses to then attend.
His father keeps going on about how he should go to a college next year to do his final year of schooling and whilst it would be good, my son is in no place to face any kind of schooling at the moment.
So our road hasn't turned a corner yet and after all these years I have to admit that hope seems even further away. What do we do if our son/daughter won't seek or accept help? I am as usual just trying to wait patiently and keep trying to talk things through with him. Any other ideas much appreciated....hope you are all hanging in there.
Linda
Sorry to take so long to respond. It has not been all sweetness and light here either!
We seem to get over one hurdle, and then another is just ahead. We are just starting the new school year (it is a Scottish thing to do that at this time of the year)with all the incumbent anxieties.
Your son has reached a point where the support that you give him is going to be different from the support you had to provide in the past. I think you both have to work out how that is going to work. It is important that you have time for you, and not spend your time rushing about sorting him out.
Here in Scotland, our children are no longer our children when they reach 16, so in our case we cannot discuss our daughter with the doctor and only have limited influence in the school. The inference is that the child - sorry, young person - now has responsibility for themselves.
But of course, we still need to be there for them.
No 1 daughter, whose is responsible for this sites existence, is home so she can vote in tomorrow's election (and pick up the car!), but also to get help with a job application. There was a time when we thought that this just would not happen. I think the key challenge that she set for herself came when I suggested that she would not be able to live independently, and she was determined that she would. And applying for jobs is part of that.
Of course, I do not know your son, but I would say, on balance, yes, he should go for that final college year. But if not, he needs to know he has to start making his own way. Some how, he has to be in a position where he can make that decision himself.
Am I being hard? But I am thinking that it is time you had your life too.
Thank you Simon - that does make an awful lot of sense. I think I am at the crossroads of 'he has to sort it' and 'I'm his parent and have to sort it'. But if hoping that final year of schooling does happen - then I feel I need to keep trying to keep him on track. But I am worn out. It's been too long. I will endeavour to get something back of my own life and by doing this it might well help him anyway. The magnifying glass has been aimed at him too long and he just squirms out of sight to avoid that same old 'talk'.
And with all the world the way it is right now - our kids are all struggling to feel positive about the future. My son is sure there will be a nuclear war because of Nth Korea. He sees and hears too much and thinks too much. But I recall thinking the same in slightly different circumstances in the 80s...but somehow we were ok inside ourselves. Young people of today seem to suffer far too much from anxiety and depression and so world events just compound the problem.
Sounds like you have your head full of lots of comings and goings too. But your eldest has certainly come a long way from those early days - and it is that perspective we have to keep, don't we.
Will go and make myself a cuppa and have a think : )
Hope you can have some time to yourself too.
All the best at your end.
Linda xx
Hi Linda,
You are a great support on here, and your words of encouragement go a long way.
I was wondering how your son is getting along now?
Take care
Xx
Julie
Hi Julie
Thank you for asking : )
I do hope my words help people - it is the least I can do and try and ease each person's journey.
We are still in limbo but I can say that my son is in a much happier place than he was at the start of the year when he pulled out of school. It has taken him months to build his self esteem. I think our kids have to find their own way eventually and with the skills to learn to manage their anxiety such as CBT, Mindfulness and/or medication and other techniques, they will be able to move forward.
I think he is finally feeling more normal. My gut feeling was that this year off was going to be a year of finding who he was again and getting over 10 years of horrible school refusal. Neither of us could have done another year of that. He says he will try his final year of schooling, but if it doesn't work out - then so be it. He has tried hard to get this far and has passed each year despite such poor attendance.
I think the professionals need to deal with the anxiety and why it is happening and stop focusing on the school refusal as the issue. That is a result of the anxiety, not necessarily the cause. It can be, however, if bullying is present, or a particular incident sets them back. It also feeds into the anxiety because you have to perform, be up with your peers, be asked questions, be around loud noise, crowds...all things that people with anxiety avoid. Get rid of the anxiety...and perhaps the road would be smoother. That is why I do believe strongly in building up self esteem outside of school - just don't focus on school all the time and get professional help that deals with anxiety.
In all our dealings with professionals - it is only now that self esteem has been brought up. Not being able to get to school plummets our kids into depths that consume them and they can't find a way out. They know they are not being like other kids...they know mum and dad are frustrated or angry...they know their friends think they don't care about them...they feel the world is angry with them....and that makes it so much worse. Helping them to feel ok about themselves is very important to balance this out.
Sorry - raved on again!! Hope you find something that works too Julie and that your daughter starts to feel more confident in things outside of school as well.
All the best,
Linda
Hi Linda,
I had no idea you have had a 10 year journey. Well done to you both!!! I had been reading some of your passed posts.
You are totally right about the anxiety, it is crippling our children. If a child had two broken legs would the professionals make them walk on them?? Much more is needed to support our children and families in crisis.
Pleasing to hear our children can make us proud even if the path is not straight forward.
I'm sure with your great support as a Mum he will continue to grow in self esteem and confidence.
I can only imagine how close you two must be. Sending love to you both xxxx
