Hiya

Well just an update, we had our meeting. Got their eventually after an extremely challenging morning, he wouldnt get dressed and delayed as much as possible. Was more or less told in the meeting that if things didnt improve with his attendance then they wanted to send him to a special needs school. He really doesnt want this so reluctantly agreed to a new part time timb table which was meant to start today, but unfortunately he was throwing up half the night and couldnt start it. I got lots of my chest and the Educational Social Worker told me i need to toughen up lol! Bloody cheek. We will just have to wait and see what happens. Though not happy that even though i rang in first thing to say it was ill, school rang me to ask me what happened and where was he. When I said he was ill they said hows his diet, blooming cheek. Glad its over, got the next hurdle to come the CAHMS diagnosis and i just worry they'll say he's got something he hasnt just because he hates school. Good Luck to all going through the same thing xxxx

The more this goes on the more numbstruck i feel...Take a look at the article of the child who was apologised to for school phobia

In particular read the last two comments!!!...UNREAL!!

Good luck to those who will be trying to get their child to school tomorrow...i know already i am going to have problems doing so.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/8367283.stm

Julie,

Thanks for sharing that article, very interesting reading. Saw those two comments at the end and it made my blood boil, as if our children want to have this much stress on school. People like that have no clue, they want to go through what us parents in this situation go through every day before they dare to have an opinion on it and keeps their mouths shut.

Sorry rant over, but their insensitive comments made me mad. lol

Tracey xx

Thank you for this link to the BBC article.

I have written a blog about it as there are some interesting links.

Simon

Well its been a few days since my last post because my son has been ill with tonsilitis, quite poorly and on antibiotics, at least there wasnt the nightmare of school to face but school don't believe me anyway ringing me up asking me if he'd been docs and what was his diet like. Bloody cheek! Its probably all the stress hes going through. Well today being the last week of term i fought with him to get him to leave and after much struggle he did.
I knew from the off he wasnt going to go in as he broke his glasses last night when it was too late to do anything about them. Half an hour later he returned saying he couldnt see the bus! I am literally at my wits end, i have asked so many agencies for help but as yet not received any. I feel totally alone, thank goodness for this group. So what now? I couldnt ring school to explain as i have no credit and am at a loss what to say anyway. I feel embarassed for my failure in not being able to get him in but what can i do. Now he's sitting happily on his bed, no tv, no pc, no nothing just looking into space. I don't what to do or say to him.
Any suggestions anyone?

Tracey xxx

Tracey - hang in there, you are a great mum doing the best you can and you are cetrainly not a failure. Does your school have a parent support worker you can speak to ? I have just spoken to ours ( not spoken to her for over 12 months ) i bet she thought - oh no not that woman !! She is lovely and coming to see me on Thursday with a view of doing a CAF report, so may be that is something you can ask about. I know what you mean about calling school - you feel sick just thinking about it I know I do. but remember your son is your priority. Did have a chuckle about his glasses on a Sunday night - my son has done the same in the past and Sunday nights were a nightmare. He would hide his uniform, school bag, medication etc - we know then that Monday just wasn't going to happen. As he has got older he does communicate with me more so I know exactly whats wrong. We had an appointment with the speach and language lady this morning, but by the time we got there he was in a full blown panic attack, ( hasn't had on for nearly 2 weeks now ) so we had to go home. Sorry this isn't helping you any, but to know we understand will help.

Take care and tomorrow is another day.

Sarah xxxx

Thanks Sarah,

Youre right its nice to know others are going through it too. Good Luck with your son. I tried to superglue his glasses and they fell off and he trod on them by accident so now he cannot see. Ordered a new pair and they said Thursday!!! He'd love that lol, so i got em to rush em through emergency ready tomorrow now. I will hopefully get them then take him into school. School have never mentioned a parent support worker, we did meet one lady with a similar title but she wasnt any help and has been off sick ever since. I phoned an organisation today who are going to try and help so we'll see. Best of Luck for the coming days and weeks.

Tracey xxx

Thoughts are with you Tracey. You are having a hard time - but like Sarah says, you are a good mum and so don't let the others drag you down. Those who don't go through this always throw out hurtful questions that sound like they think we are complete idiots! My son did go in yesterday (after 3 days of refusing last week) - so I hope you have some good days as well. My son never hid anything but Sunday nights in the past were often tearful and full of stomach pains - starting before dinner and lasting for eternity - so I know how that feels. He'd also drive me crazy with 'I have a sore throat'...'I've really hurt my ankle' etc.

It is hard too when our kids are actually ill - as in the case of your son - we just don't know because the other sickness is so often there that we have to push through. Poor kids - they never know where they are. We just have to be there for them and as they do get older they do seem more able to talk a bit more about the situation (or the longer they have experienced this in my case). Give your son a big hug and take some time our for yourself even for a few minutes - and remember you are not alone.
Take care,
Linda

Hi Everyone!

My daughter had a good week last week...apart from monday...we didn't get there until lunch time...but today she didn't go at all..So it's back to square one!

School ends here on thursday...i am wishing the days away...even though i know a break makes it worse...but to have a breather from the battle is very welcomed!

Tracey i so understand your son would rather stare into space with no t.v etc...my girl would happily do the same...anything but go...

What are we going to do? x

Julie and Tracey,

It's interesting, isn't it - that the kids will do 'anything' to not go. This makes it quite ironic that a couple of counsellors have said to me that you have to make home life completely boring so that they will want to go to school. This just shows how little they understand the situation, doesn't it. If our children will stare into space - then it just shows that no matter how boring home might be - of course they will still not go in. Good luck to everyone - sounds like holidays are coming up for many of you soon. We don't get holidays here until April - we will be hanging out for those. CB therapy has certainly helped my son in many ways - so I would recommend that to anyone who hasn't tried it yet.
Linda

Tracy

Sorry to hear things are really bad at the moment, first of all, you are not a failure, we have all been through this and even the strongest amongst us has failed to get our children to school, you are a great mum, doing the best you can, I like most parents on this site can read my son so well, I know when he cant go into school, and on these days i dont even try to get there, you just need to be there for him and continue to support him the way you have been.

Take care
Dorothy x

Tracey - my heart goes out to you both.

My daughter and I have both been where you are now and there were times I thought we would never get through it, but you will. I promise.
Just take one day at a time.
My daughter went to a 'unit' for a couple of lessons a week. It didnt get her back into school but it enabled her to get enough GCSE's to get onto the college course she wanted. I dont think she felt overly comfortable there, but to her, it was better than school.
ANYTHING was better than school!

Just continue being the great mum that you are.

Hugs.

Sue and M.

Just following on from what Dorothy has said - I also seem to know when my son won't want to go and so don't force the issue when his symptoms kick in. This doesn't mean I feel ok necessarily - but just calmer. This has resulted in little to no depression for him for over 12 months.
However - I think I also have 'blip' days when it all gets a bit much and I start to forget and get annoyed and the guilt kicks in and we both get tied up emotionally. We usually end up talking it through a bit later when we have had time to calm down and hug each other. It is pretty much a roller coaster ride but hanging on gets easier over time as we adjust and understand our children so much better each time. We are tuned in on a level that the authorities can't possibly be. Not only do they never see our kids in a morning, but they also never see our interaction with them during or afterwards. These are not spoilt kids and we are not weak parents. Pity they can't all see that.
take care everyone,
Linda

Thankyou to all have replied so positively, this group is really helping. I somehow above all odds managed to get my son to school today, a little later than expected and he certainly didnt go willingly. Unfortunately he did an hours lesson then hopped it lunch with a friend and came home. Although disappointed he didnt stay i am pleased he went and did something, its all progress. I am pleased too that despite his many absences he found a friend again. School didnt let me know he'd absconded dunno if they even knew, but they were quick to text to say he wasnt in earlier in the morning. Feeling a little calmer today but still deeply dreading the diagnosis on 28th. Love to all xxxxxx

Tracey - sorry you have to worry and wait for the meeting on the 28th - not an easy time. Do you think your son has any learning difficulties? Did you have questions that arose before the school refusal kicked in? It seems a bit strange to me that the diagnosis to perhaps send your son to a specialist school from the authorities comes at this stage due to the SR rather than anything that may have been picked up earlier in his education? These are hard decisions for you - I do feel for you. Try not to take on board what feels like others judging you for being a sole parent. This forum has helped me realise that all kinds of families can have a child that suffers SR - and you can remind the authorities of that. I am a sole parent and have felt the same sometimes. The thing we offer our kids is more one on one and that is something special that they will treasure. I also have the government trying to get me to work.
Society seems to be far too focused on fitting round pegged kids into square holes. We are no longer allowed to be different and have our needs catered for. Lots of famous people in fact have not always had a smooth run - worth reminding our children that it takes all sorts to make the world and that its ok to be different.
Good luck and keep in touch with us - hoping we can offer support whenever needed :-)
Linda

Dear All,

Today we got to school and before the bell went!..Like you i KNOW when it's not going to be a bad day...i see the signs....I have had it made quite clear to me that i must get her to school at all costs...and if i don't send her i am "giving in"..i am sure i know your thoughts on this!...i am not giving in ...i know my childs limits...if she gets to the point of a crumbling heap, swollen face through crying and shaking...then yes i will not send her!! How would any adult like to be shoved in a classroom with a swollen red face through crying...i know i wouldn't...I keep being told to be firmer with her....She is frightened!! I am seriously looking into homeschooling her from sept...i just can't put her through this every day...and without sounding weak..i don't want to go through it every day either..The damage of forcing our children into a situation that frightens them every single day MUST have an effect on them at some point...my child says she can't even think straight when she feels like this let alone do work....Yes, she would gladly stare into space...she would watch paint dry...anything rather than go....x

Thanks Linda,

No my son doesnt have any learning difficulties at all. Very bright just hates school. His school say sending him to a special needs school may be best but i don't know what they base this on because he doesnt have a statement or any SEN needs. I too have the government trying to push me back to work, i am in training to be a TA so busy busy with that and meetings for my son, but now have to sign on weekly at the minute. More stress. Thanks for all the kinds words and I am sending HUGS to all the families going through the same thing. xxxxxx

Julie,

Read your post with interest and I get where your coming from how can we be expected to put our kids through this daily. Its soul distroying. I would love to do home education also but as I am being forced to get a job I don't know how i'd manage it. One thing is clear that us parents know our children and know their limits. It annoys me though that school expect so much to get my son in no matter how stressful and at what cost. Off to bed now as like so many on here gotta face the battle again once more in the morning. Night all and best wishes xx

Tracey - lets hope they come up with a plan to support you in your current school system. There are others on here from the UK such as Simon, Sarah, Dorothy and Sue and others who have had lots of experience with the UK ed system and might be able to offer advice depending on the outcome.

Julie - tis hard! What more can I say?
Basically these days - if there are tears in the morning - we don't go. We switched from 'counselling' where it seemed they wanted him to try and define what was so fearful and talk about school (which he hated doing) to CBT where they just work on strengths in other areas (such as his football) and help him apply this to the school situation.
It is already 'today' down under and my son went in - third day. It is like there is a loose switch and some days the connection just breaks down and then its hard to re-set.
Good luck to everyone tomorrow.
Linda

Well done for getting your son in today, I know the relief you feel just even getting them in for part of the day. It breaks the pattern and gives you a bit more hope for the next day. I know how awful it can be when you are in a really bad phase, but keep going you are doing all the right things.

Anne