Just read some of the messages on here and feel I am not alone, at last! My son is a school refuser, bright and happy on non school days, sullen, moody withdrawn on school days. He will try anything to get out of it, its dragged on for well over a year now and now finally school are saying they have had enough and want him to go to a special school. I feel like my heart is breaking and so worried CAHMS will diagnose him with something he hasnt got, appointment friday. The school suggested is one he doesnt want to go to and i don't either. Just because kids think different why are they saying he has mental health issues. No sign of the EWO yet although been promised for almost 7 months, no help this end. My son feel likes a nuisance there, I feel a nuisance when I ring up, and yet he still would like to go there rather than a special school. He's 13 btw. I feel like running away and want them to leave us alone. Any idea what I can do, and can I refuse the school they offer.

Tracey, You are certainly not alone, though from the contacts parents here have had with their schools, they try to give the impression we are. I have found other parents on this site to be enormously supportive. We use each other to keep ourselves going.

You do not say what the 'special school' is, but our daughter also went through that process, and although it was not a cure for her difficulties, it did help. The teachers seemed to care (and have time to care) and went over and beyond the call of duty to support her.

It did not get her back into school on a regular basis, but it was a step towards getting tuition, and that eventually led to her being able to attend a boarding school.

But our problems are not over. And we know we cannot run away from them, because we have to be there for our child when she needs us.

Simon

Tracey - hang on in there because your son needs you. My heart goes out to you because we all know how you feel, it's awful.

Has your son said what is the matter with school ? does he have anxieties or has he been bullied ? Simon asked about this special school what type of school is it ? There are so many school SR for different reasons but reading through the threads will help you to know what has been tried, what has helped and give you support to know that you are not alone, we understand honestly.
Keep your chin up

Sarah x

Thanks Sarah and Simon for your kind words. The school they are suggested is a hospital school with sites all over. He is adament that he isnt going there and I must say I have to agree, a child who found it so hard to settle would not want to go somewhere new where he knows no-one. He has never liked school but when he was younger he was more easy to insist he go. Now he is strong willed and bigger than me and no matter what I have tried it doesnt work. Diagnosis not now til end of feb as they got the date wrong, in a way i'm relieved as I am worried what they will say. He wants to go to his school part time to reintegrate him and stay with his friends but they keep messing him about. The days he has managed to go in they havent praised him or anything or even acknowledged his efforts and he's frustrated. He thinks theres no point. School is important I know but I am not prepared to ruin his whole life over it, he's a different child when school is shut. He's bright, and I want the world to see what I see not put a label on him. xx

I know exactly how you feel but please dont be afraid of CAMHS, I felt a bit the same and was relieved when they said my son, who is 12, doesnt have a 'mental health' issue. They are still trying to help him as they can see there is something wrong. We are at the cross roads of deciding if home education is the way to go as this protects us from the prosecution route that the school are determined to go down. As you will see from the threads on here every local authority seems to deal with SR in very different ways, some more supportive than others so its a bit of a postcode lottery. We are a year down the line with this now and it takes it out of you, like your son, mine is bright and cheery when school is out of the picture and i am grateful for that as some of the children on here seem to be troubled all the time and that must be such a worry.
Try to keep strong, i'm sure we will all admit to the tears and nagging fears but we ARE doing what is best for our children as WE know them best. When i read this article i was amazed as i could have written it myself practically word for word but it made me feel less alone.
http://www.tes.co.uk/article.aspx?storycode=2332889
Sending love to all out there dealing with this on a daily basis XXXX

Thanks so much Sue :) its a relief to know others are going through the same. Good Luck too! and its a help to know that people understand. Most of my friends have got tired of listening now and all have a theory on how to get him to, such as 'a clip round the ear' or just drag him there in his PJ's! Neither of these ways would solve anything. I sometimes feel like saying well if you can do better come and do it then. Lol. We await the CAHMS meeting with trepidation but in the meantime finding this forum is going to keep me sane. I have considered the home schooling route if all else fails as I don't want to be prosecuted. He did see the ed psych at school and he came to our home. He agreed that my son is totally different here in his comfort zone, but sadly he left just after and he hasnt seen anyone else. Really its just a classic case, dad left out of the blue when he was two just as i was expecting our second child and he's had just me and his sister really ever since. I have and will continue to do my best for them but sometimes a little help wouldnt go amiss. Good Luck to everyone, and I hope things ease off for us all xxxx

Just read that article and am amazed, its sound almost identical to what we go through on a daily basis. As Sue said almost word for word. I have saved it to my computer, someone must realise how real a problem SR is and it isnt naughtiness. Would love to do the home school setup but am under great pressure from the government to get a job as my youngest child is 11. Am just about scraping my way through training to be a TA at the moment too so its a pressured time. Be great if i was rich, i pay for home tutors and am convinced that when the pressure is off for school the rest will fall into place. Thanks again for pointing this article out. xx

Hi Tracey,

Sorry you are finding it so hard at the moment - our hearts go out to you.
As you will see by the posts on here - the story does seem to be very similar throughout. I notice, however, that in that article - and recently on here that the diagnosis of our children not having a 'mental health' issue has been raised.
I am not sure how broad a term 'mental health' is in these cases but if our children have anxiety - then surely that is a 'mental health' issue? This doesn't mean labelling our kids - but might assist them in getting the help they need?
Not sure what others think -
Linda

Dear All

My daughter is 11 ...she has suffered anxiety since she was 3..it started with vomiting.. Nursery and playgroups i normally ended up staying as she'd be sick there too...i took her to the Drs. and he said she had chronic anxiety...but i got very little help.....School has been a struggle to say the least...years 1, 2 and 3 she would be sick at least three times a day...in my house, car and at school..year 4 and 5 seemed to go very well and i at last thought we had turned a corner but just before Christmas it came back with a vengeance ...we haven't been getting to school until almost lunch time and thats when i can get her there...today has been very bad...sobbing since 7.30am and i just can't get her out of the bathroom...It's ok for schools to say "get her in"...that seems all they are concerned about...people who comment " drag her" etc have NO idea i have tried everything possible to help my daughter.My child is as tall as me, there is no way i can move her. The school have now involved the Education department...not sure how i will be dealt with but...if i am berated in any way..when i have asked for help...i will home school her.
I am now at the point where this is a very real option....How long do i see my daughter in this state every day..which of course is not doing her health any good whatsoever...Adults can't cope with anxiety so how do we expect our children too? She is a bright happy girl...when school is out of the picture she is on top of the world.....I despair

Julie,

Others will correct me if I am wrong, but I do not think we have had a child suffering from such an early stage on this site before.

How is she with other activities? Music lessons, Brownies, etc? How is she with friends? Sleepovers, etc?

Or is this just a school thing? And how are you coping? This is all very stressful for the parents and for any siblings. What help are you getting? It sounds like you are having a tough time. So, take care of yourself as well as of your daughter.

Simon

Dear Simon

Thank you for your reply. She is fine with all other activities. She has good friends at school..which is a very small village school...People keep telling me it can't be anxiety because as soon as she knows she won't be going she claims down and is fine...of course if they had any sense they would realize the relief of not going DOES make them calm down..That school IS the problem...My daughter is a confident girl in many areas...she would happily chat to anyone..I am at my wits end...i am sure you all realize the terrible feeling of taking your child to school in a state of panic and where they feel absoultley awful, we couldn't possibly work in this state but our children are expected to walk into a classroom late and just get on with it...i reallly wanted her to finish this year but its not looking very hopeful....It is such a relief to find this forum !!

Julie I read your message knowing exactly how you feel!! People who aren't going through it just don't get it and i've grown tired of the well meaning friends saying i'm too soft, if only, like u i've tried it all and am not ashamed to say I've tried begging, bribing, pleading, coaxing, talking calmly, raising my voice, crying in despair and my son still cannot do it. On the days it goes well i praise him and make it known how pleased I am but school do not do the same, they usually make comments such as 'oh you bothered to come in then' or 'who are you'. This is totally wrong. I have a meeting with the Educational Social Worker monday and i'm dreading it. Feel like i am on trial for bad parenting. The one thing I know is my concience is clear, i have done my very best and our children are the most important people in all this. Well done you!! and me for sticking this out, even though like u i've asked for help, never got any. Good Luck with your family and keep using this website, to keep us sane. Much hugs your way xxxxxx

Hi Tracey!

Thank you ~ I've done everything you said!! It's such a relief to be around people who actually understand..

My daughter tells me panic sweeps over her and she just can't control it...she gets into such a terrible state....for a child to have to go through this is.. is just terrible...I of course expect that i will be blamed for being a "too soft" parent. what are we supposed to do with our children..keep them safe and look after them to the best of our abilities or let them run the streets? I know i am sick of people telling me what i should be doing when they have absolutly no idea of what it's like..i have tried everything...even seeing a private hypnotheripist ...I personally don't think there is an answer....we have sensitive children..and there's nothing wrong with that...If anyone has any stories of home schooling please email me as i am certainly not ruling this out..Wish i could find people in the same position in my area but can't..Our children are not lazy or stubbon...I am frustrated that people have no understanding apart from "Just get her in school"...
Please let me know how you get on Tracey...i am now waiting for the same appointment to be given to me x

Isnt it easy for them to 'blame the parents', i too have been called soft and also told that i am too close to my son! After saying that i had had a tyranical parent and that i choose not to be one myself a social worker said " due to issues from my childhood i had difficulty disciplining my son" she got all that from spending less than an hour with me and that one statement......madness. I am not soft, there are times when i have screamed and shouted like a banshee, so frustrated that i cant solve the problem. I have dragged him into the car kicking and screaming, driven to the school in tears (so dangerous now i look back), left him sobbing whilst i drive away sobbing, we have taken away privlidges, been angry with him , understanding , caring you name it we've tried it, like everyone on here. The frustration is the hardest thing, especially when well meaning friends and family appear flippant in their comments, what do you mean he wont go? drag him there, give him me i'll sort him out...etc etc. If it was so easy we wouldnt all be on here would we???? Lets keep up the good work and love our kids.XX

Hi Sue H,

I have been told i am too close to my daughter also..isn't this ridiculous!!! I am a one parent family so i am expecting that will be used against me.Well from reading everything on this site i see no one has been given help that has worked...so what do we do? All very well to threaten us with courts and fines, made to feel guilty..doesn't solve the problem does it...i am sure all of us would love our children to get up go to school and be happy...but our children can't for whatever reason...some days are okish some days are too horrid to even talk about. We need to be treated with kindness and support... I am going to ask my school if they will give us some work to do at home...has anyone tried this??...I have been researching home schooling as a last straw back up plan...Good luck to us all ~ and strength to our children to cope x

Very well said Sue H. The kids are the most important people. Julie I asked for work on several occassions and got the reply that it would be giving in to him! Blooming rediculous. Did get some eventually but just a rubbish work book to do. I do encourage him to do a few pages when he won't go to school. Sometimes he will willingly other times he won't. I too am a one parent family and feel like the schools read this and just stereotype me, thinking oh yeah kid from broken home etc. etc. That makes me mad because I have always been there for my children and always will be. Meeting with educational social worker monday and i hope i have the strength to say how I feel because usually i sit crying as it gets too much for me and i hate going to these meetings as I feel like I am being judged. Wish someone was on my side. I'll let u know how it goes. xxxx

I can't believe we and our children are going through this awful trauma and all it seems is we get punished in one way or another...it's disgusting..
Our children are not mad,bad or lazy...they can't help what they are feeling...WHY can't somebody understand this???

Good luck Tracey...let us know how you get on...i know its hard not to cry sometimes...i will be thinking of you

Its so hard not too cry and i have actually had to walk out of a meeting as I couldnt cope with it all and left my husband to listen to it all so of course they now judge me as an emtional wreck-no wonder the son is the way he is.....i just wish they could swap places with us for a day and see and feel what we do! My son hasnt been in school since before christmas and i have brought work books and downloaded stuff from the school website for him to do. I set him work every day and come into work early so i can be home for lunch time..most days he does the work and its good! Some days not so good but then did we ever check exactly how much they did at school every day????? Please dont feel that its single parents that are judged, my husband and myself feel very judged as well! Keep strong XX

Julie, Tracey, Sue H and others -
I hear the same stories as mine in all your stories. I am also a sole parent - with just the one son. Of course we are close and maybe this makes it harder for him - but it is not the reason. I also relate to one of you mentioning that someone had said it all related back to your childhood and your lack of disciplining him. I had the school psychologist say this to me - she said it was due to my relationship with my father and his discipline - and hence my lack of it! I wanted to say ' And which page of the psychology text book did that come from!?' I never went back to her and have refused to see any school psychologist as she also made my son cry by telling him he had problems making friends so he had to learn how to. As he had friends he suddenly felt his world was falling away from under him and he was only 6 at the time!!
The only help I have found is from outside the school - and private clinical psychologist who understands SR and CB therapy. She is also - lucky for us - a single parent - and so understands the pressures it creates. I just hope that you can all find someone out there to talk to and talk to your children too. It is not the full answer for us - but it is nice to feel we have someone 'on our side'.
I hope that you are able to find someone like that soon.
Thinking of you all -
Our school starts next Friday - there is nervousness about how it will all go niggling at both of us already.
Linda

Dear all,

My daughter didn't go to school yesterday or today. I decided after yesterdays horric trauma she went through that i wasn't sending her today.I haven't yet got an appointment with the educational officer..i was told i would be called weds but still i await.My voice is raspy with the constant talking it through with family and friends...non of whom really understand..how could they.My daughter is getting all her homework done for next week as she is off today, so that gives me a little comfort the day isn't a total right off. I am ready to meet the education officer and i am certainly not going to be bullied or blamed .I have asked for help...give it to me!!!!

Much courage girls...x